Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Shut the door Tarhole

Now, I’ve posted more than once about the poor public restroom habits of men in JoCo, but things went way to far on Friday night.

This young man comes in wearing a North Carolina t-shirt…letting me know that he was a misguided young man. He didn’t smell of liquor. He didn’t have the “I've smoked way too much pot” eyes. He  seemed to be in good shape.

Now, it’s about 11:50 at this point. I’ve already cleaned the bathrooms for the night and have the door to the men’s room propped open so that it’s easier to mop when I close.

So, junior wanders around and i see him head for the bathroom. What happened next folks, well it’s just too much.

He doesn’t bother to shut the door, so I assume that he’s just going to wash his hands. But I’m wrong.

I hear the sound of young Tarhole peeing.

With the door open.

In public.

I’m just standing there, with a bewildered look on my face as Tarhole pees for what seems like an eternity. WITH THE DOOR OPEN.

Who does this? Really? Who decides, i have to pee so incredibly bad that I'm not going to waste time shutting the door?

Do I hear a flush? Hell no. So, the exchange goes something like this.

ME: Excuse me Tarhole.

HIM: Yes?

ME: I feel like since you felt comfortable enough to piss in front of me with the door open, I’m comfortable enough to tell you to march your ass back in there and flush.

HIM: Well, you had the door open so I thought you didn’t want it closed. Do i really have to flush? I didn’t use toilet paper or anything.

ME: Yes, you have to flush regardless of your toilet paper usage. Also, it’s ALWAYS okay to shut the door of a public restroom. Were you raised in a barn?

So Tarhole goes back and flushes the toilet and comes to the counter to buy his drink. Now, let me mention that i didn’t hear him wash his hands either when he went on the great pee adventure. So when he goes to hand me his money, i ask him to lay it on the counter. Because I'm not going to touch the money that he was handled by his pee hands.

He on the other hand, doesn’t see that he’s done anything wrong. Stupid Tarhole. Peeing in public SOOO trumps leaving the seat up.

Welcome to my world folks.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Backwoods…you ignorant slut

I thought it was time that i provided you all with an update on my girl Backwoods. Much has happened in her life in the past few months.

I told you all that she broke up with her Zona Rosa love, despite their unmatched romantic experience in the back of the Bronco. She was completely crushed for two, maybe three days then old Backwoods was back on the prowl.

Her next love she met in the oil aisle at Wal-Mart. They were hot and heavy, and she was sure it was the truest of true love. Then, she found out that WD-40 was bisexual, and to quote Backwoods, “I’m not down with that kind of nasty.”

Really? You can not bathe for weeks and bang a guy in a parking garage, but you draw the line at bisexual. Glad to know that you have boundaries.

So, after WD-40, Backwoods was single for a week or two and then she fell in love with Bible-Beater. She started going to church three times a week. She washed her hair. She bought a cross necklace. But alas, Bible-Beater was keeping himself pure for the love of his life and he just decided that Backwoods wasn’t that woman. I know…shock of shocks…her love of god wasn’t stronger than her love of Old Crow and she lost him.

There were a couple of other flings after that and then, about a month ago, she was very unceremoniously booted from her daddy’s house for being a dirty, dirty ho. Evidently she wasn’t the type of “role model” that her daddy wanted around her little brother and sister.

So, poor homeless Backwoods moves in on Wednesday with her new boyfriend (Hayseed), that she went out with for the first time on Sunday, and his momma. Because, you just can’t deny love this strong.

For a month now, she’s been living the dream in a single-wide in Bonner. Her life is “perfect” and “just what she always dreamed of.”

Okay. You “dreamed” of shacking up with your boyfriend and his mom in a trailer? Maybe you should dream a little bigger…like maybe an apartment.

The plus side of this, she has started bathing and washing her hair. Which we all appreciate.

Then, this Saturday, the hammer dropped. Backwoods is gonna be a momma ya’ll. Her and Hayseed are so happy for this little joy that has been dropped into their life.

Now, they have been “dating” for a month. She’s 9 days late. I’m not exactly sure that Hayseed should be quite so “overjoyed at his impending fatherhood.”

I’m going to subtly start dropping adoption hints to our girl Backwoods. I mean, if she can’t manage to bathe more than once a month, I can see the dirty diaper, kool-aid stained, crusty nosed mess this baby is going to be.

I’ll keep you updated on the momma-to-be. Lord help us all.