Monday, May 3, 2010

Backwoods…you ignorant slut

I thought it was time that i provided you all with an update on my girl Backwoods. Much has happened in her life in the past few months.

I told you all that she broke up with her Zona Rosa love, despite their unmatched romantic experience in the back of the Bronco. She was completely crushed for two, maybe three days then old Backwoods was back on the prowl.

Her next love she met in the oil aisle at Wal-Mart. They were hot and heavy, and she was sure it was the truest of true love. Then, she found out that WD-40 was bisexual, and to quote Backwoods, “I’m not down with that kind of nasty.”

Really? You can not bathe for weeks and bang a guy in a parking garage, but you draw the line at bisexual. Glad to know that you have boundaries.

So, after WD-40, Backwoods was single for a week or two and then she fell in love with Bible-Beater. She started going to church three times a week. She washed her hair. She bought a cross necklace. But alas, Bible-Beater was keeping himself pure for the love of his life and he just decided that Backwoods wasn’t that woman. I know…shock of shocks…her love of god wasn’t stronger than her love of Old Crow and she lost him.

There were a couple of other flings after that and then, about a month ago, she was very unceremoniously booted from her daddy’s house for being a dirty, dirty ho. Evidently she wasn’t the type of “role model” that her daddy wanted around her little brother and sister.

So, poor homeless Backwoods moves in on Wednesday with her new boyfriend (Hayseed), that she went out with for the first time on Sunday, and his momma. Because, you just can’t deny love this strong.

For a month now, she’s been living the dream in a single-wide in Bonner. Her life is “perfect” and “just what she always dreamed of.”

Okay. You “dreamed” of shacking up with your boyfriend and his mom in a trailer? Maybe you should dream a little bigger…like maybe an apartment.

The plus side of this, she has started bathing and washing her hair. Which we all appreciate.

Then, this Saturday, the hammer dropped. Backwoods is gonna be a momma ya’ll. Her and Hayseed are so happy for this little joy that has been dropped into their life.

Now, they have been “dating” for a month. She’s 9 days late. I’m not exactly sure that Hayseed should be quite so “overjoyed at his impending fatherhood.”

I’m going to subtly start dropping adoption hints to our girl Backwoods. I mean, if she can’t manage to bathe more than once a month, I can see the dirty diaper, kool-aid stained, crusty nosed mess this baby is going to be.

I’ll keep you updated on the momma-to-be. Lord help us all.

1 comment:

  1. Love the Aykroyd/Curtain/SNL reference in the title. Funny stuff, as usual.

    ReplyDelete