Thursday, April 1, 2010

Clerk K’s Split Personality

So, as i indicated in my last post, my one night at week at the c-store has expanded back to four a five a week. You know that cold weather rule that won’t let them turn off your heat/electricity in the winter months? Well, it has expired and with that, my ability to make it on a monthly basis without going all pioneer bitch has caused me to amp up the old c-store hours. Ahhh, the things we do for hot and cold running water…but i digress.

Working these two VERY different jobs has me developing a bit of a split personality. Let me explain.

I’d like to start by saying I have no misconceptions about my appearance. I’m not an attractive woman. I’m 37. I know this. I have a mirror. Now, I don’t scare small children, but I’m never going to be mistaken for the “hot chick”.

But at the c-store? At the c-store I am the bomb.

I bathe (see Backwoods).

I have all my own teeth (take your pick).

My eyebrows are in their original location and are actually made of hair (oh, I'll tell you about the new manager later).

I. Am. A. Catch.

Even in the polyester polos that are oh, so popular in the world of convenience.

At the salon? Well at the salon I’m constantly struggling for just okay. This is a place where people come to feel and become beautiful…and I am the face of that business.

Ugh.

Be fashion forward they say…I have always struggled to reach fashion neutral much less forward. That goal is for younger, smaller, hotter girls. My fashion rules have always been this:

  1. Make sure all your parts are covered. Nobody wants to see your “muffin top” or mistake you for a plumber.
  2. You shouldn’t wear white pants unless you wear a 12 or smaller. Really people, this should be a law.
  3. Only wear the shirts with the stains on the chest in the yard or on the weekend.
  4. If you’re wearing sandals, paint your damn toes and get a pedicure. Nobody wants to see your corn chip pinky toe or crusty heels. Stripper feet are only for strippers. And finally…
  5. If all else fails, wear black.

These don’t apply in the salon. Now, I’m scrambling to make something fashionable out of my wardrobe and struggling because on my salary I can’t afford to go buy pieces to juju it up, makeup and assorted polishes that go with the outfits (see above where I’m now working from 8:30 a.m. to 12:30 a.m. to pay the utilities).

For the first time in my life I have fashion anxiety and i HATE it. Also, the difference in the two makes me feel like I'm hooking for loose change…or I'm some weird crime fighter…

By day, she is a mild mannered salon coordinator answering phones and sweeping floors. But by night, she dons the polo of power and becomes Clerk K – bringer of normalcy and swishers.

I don’t know how Wonder Woman did it. Sheesh.

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