Friday, September 25, 2009

It's Time Again...

...for another edition of You Might be a Douchebag! Yes folks, after this week, I've got some new fodder for you as we head into the weekend. And with that, here we go...

You might be a Douchebag if...
...you have to bend over to put your hands in your pockets. Evidently these kids don't have mom's to tell them that the waistband of your pants goes around your actual waist and not under your ass. We don't want to see your underwear and when you heard that girls like a guy with a good ass...they meant how it looks in jeans not hanging out over the top of them. When you wear shorts, that are a normal length, and you are only showing two inches of ankle pull them the hell up. Douchebag.

You might be a Douchebag if...
...you try to buy smokes every other night from the same person, without an id, and still get pissed that you can't get them. Really? I've seen you every-other day for the last two weeks. Every time you want a pack of Marlboro Lights, and every time i ask for the ID that you "forgot." Then you get pissed, call me a bitch and storm out. One, you look like you might have started shaving this month...pretty sure you're not old enough. Two, do you think you're going to wear me down? That all of a sudden I'll think "an ID isn't that important!" Douchebag.

You might be a Douchebag if...
...you sport the weird Kate Goslin/reverse Mullet. It makes you look like a rabid possum. There isn't a reason to have hair down past your chin in front and a half-inch long in back that sticks right straight out. It's ugly and makes you look like you cut your damn hair with a Flow-be. And why would you want to look like that train wreck anyway? Of all the media whores you have to pick that one? I bet you buy your husband nothing but Don Ed Hardy shirts too. Douchebag.

You might be a Douchebag if...
...you think peeing on something is an appropriate show of anger. You read right folks, my truck got peed on last night because I wouldn't sell cigarettes. Some guy came in with that Spencer Pratt flesh colored beard and wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes. His ID said he was born in 83 (right) and it expired in 2008...therefore, no sale. He was very polite and walked out to his truck, parked right in front of the store, where i watched him tell his buddy and give him $10. The buddy walks in the store with the money in his hand and asks for the exact same brand. No sale. He then told me I "didn't have to be gay about it" to which i asked him if he knew what the word meant.

Now, I'm going to get on a soapbox here, but as far as I know gay means happy or is a term for same-sex relationships. It doesn't mean bitchy, or mean, or hard to deal with. Ignorant and douchy...nice.

I reinforced that I couldn't sell him the cigarette, he called me a bitch, flipped me off and stormed out. Fine. I watched them pull off and go park next to my truck. I'm waiting on other customers and half watching them when they pull out and i see a big wet spot on the ground next to my rear tire, and the tire is wet. They stop in front of the door, honk and flip me off. Seriously? You peed on my tire? Way to show me that you're old enough to smoke. Douchebag.

You might be a Douchebag if...
...you drive a Jaguar and try to pass yourself off as "one of us." We had some pump issues a couple of weekends ago and we had a customer pull pull up in a new Jag. He was asking all kinds of questions and finally told us he worked for our company and that he was "just one of you." No. You're not. You are tan, relaxed and driving a Jag. You have on man-diamonds and bought gas with one of the hundred dollar bills in your wallet. I am working for $8/hour and have blisters on my feet the size of Texas. I am wearing a polyester polo shirt, smell like cleaner and cappuccino and haven't gotten my gas tank to full in four months because I can't afford it. You're not one of us. Douchebag.

and finally...

You might be a Douchebag if...
...you assume that you're issues are more important than my job. Whether it's your need for smokes or gas splashing on your car, it's not more important than someones job and you should realize that. Don't yell at me, don't tell me you'll sue us and don't tell me you'll have my job. If you want it, all you have to do is ask politely and I'll give it to you. I can't control the cigarette order. I can't control the person before you at the gas pump getting all of their gas out of the hose. I can't give you anything without checking with my manager first. I'm not doing it to make your life difficult. Quit being a jackass and think before you scream. Just because I work at a job that you see as inferior to the rest of the world does not give you the right to make me your whipping girl. Douchebag.

Have a great weekend folks and I'll be back posting soon. I have two whole days off (to work on my other business, but at least I can sit down!). Be extra nice to a service professional this weekend...trust me it will make their day!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Tuesday Night Special

Sorry for the lateness of the post this morning folks. I'm fighting some kind of bug and it has me dragging a bit.

Last night was an eye opening experience for me. Now, let me preface this by saying that up until last month, I've been in a salary based position for the last 15 years. If I was ill, I worked from home or didn't work. It made sense to take a bit of time and feel better, rather than drag yourself way down and make other people sick as well. In the hourly world, that isn't the case.

I started feeling bad yesterday about 15 minutes after getting to work. At first I thought that my lunch just wasn't setting well, but after the 6th trip to the bathroom and the constant dizziness, i knew it was something more. Of course, I was the only person working on my shift so there wasn't anyone in the store to cover for me...but when the manager called me to check-in, I mentioned to him that i was feeling really bad.

His response -- "Well, there is nobody to cover for you so you're going to have to stick it out."

Are you kidding me? You'd rather have me here, being sick around your customers, where you provide food, than finding a solution. Newsflash dipshit, as the manager, it's your job to cover for people when they can't work. I've spent half of my shift in the bathroom and your response is "stick it out."

Now, to his credit, he did call me back and let me know that he tried to see if anyone wanted overtime to come in and cover for me, but they didn't. He only offered to come in later in the night after three phone calls. If you're not capable of covering, then you need to make sure that our store is staffed so that you don't have to. Four employees, two of which are related to your ass, does not count as covered ass clown.

And speaking of staffing the store, you may want to look at your working conditions and salary when half of the applicants to your store have "registered offender" on the license and the other half reek of pot. Maybe get a damn chair or give folks a raise and you'll get better applicants who want to work there...not have to. And by the way, if you hired a "registered offender," expect my notice. I know I'm not the hottest number on the block, but if you want me to work by myself, in a deserted store, with someone convicted of a sex crime, you're out of your DAMN mind.

Then. THEN! I get a call about 8:30 from Manager who tells me that he left a note for the overnight guy, but when he thought about it he might want to tell me too...one of our stores was robbed on Monday night. You MIGHT want to tell me? I work alone in a store and you MIGHT want to let me know that someone is robbing our stores...during my shift. You are a freaking genius.

He then let's me know that i need to lower the amount of cash I leave in my drawer, because if I was to get robbed and the robbers get away with more than $110, then i would instantly lose my job.

Just take a moment and process that one.

I get robbed. I'm the victim. Doing my job and keeping my drawer as you've told me all along...which is well over the $110 level. I get fired for giving too much money to the robber. How in the hell do you fire someone for being the victim of a crime. You do that and I'll own a freaking convenience store. What a shit way to deal with people. So I'm supposed to do thousands of dollars of business and never have more than $110 in my drawer. Freaking lovely.

Ahh dysfunction. No customer of the day today folks. I don't feel good and I'm still too damn irritated to think about the crazy customers. Have a great Wednesday.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Rainy Days and Monday's

What happens when Rainy Days and Mondays are one in the same? A SLOW night in cstore land. Last night was painfully slow thanks to a steady rain and the uber cleaning that's been done around the store over the past week, I just about had nothing to do but stare at my reflection in the front door and make faces...which I'm sure was SUPER entertaining to the folks at the pumps.



We had our standard rudeness last night. I even pissed a lady off so much that I carded her that she threatened me if I DIDN'T card her every single time from now on. Really? You're punishment to me for carding you is that I have to do it over and over to make you even madder? You're logic is somewhat flawed oh she with the bad dye-job, but if you insist.


CUSTOMER OF THE NIGHT

Today's award goes to a new regular who was having a particularly lazy Monday. She's new to our neighborhood and is one of our more fun regulars. She jokes and remembers our names, which is a nice break to the daily grind. Last night she comes in around 9 p.m. looking like hammered ass wearing her Tinkerbell PJ's and a pair of slippers. Now, this isn't some 25 year old girl, this is a woman in her late 40's that should not be out in public in this outfit. No bra. No underwear. It wasn't pretty. Evidently she hadn't left her house all day and had to "run to the store" when she went through her 3rd pack of cigarettes.

She's a nice lady, but come-on. If you're buying 3 packs a day you're spending almost $120 a week on smokes and nearly $500 a month. Spend some of that on nicer PJ's if you're going to wear them in public. Also, you might want to go get a facial and cut back so that you can afford skin care. You may only be 48, but you're face looks like it's 60 from the smoke. Pull it together.

A special thanks to all of you who have let me know how you heard about my blog. The response has been overwhelming and I appreciate you each taking a little bit out of your day to read my ramblings. Also, thanks to the folks who gave me the hints on how to use the tracking software. I've got that down now and can start getting some stats in. Hopefully tonight will be busier and provide some interesting stories for me to share.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Return of the Murse

Happy Monday! I know it wasn't a full moon this weekend but man were people GRUMPY. Everything seemed to make them mad -- from the strong coffee to crooked receipts (seriously, the tape was loaded wrong and receipts weren't centered and it pushed a woman over the edge last night). People were on edge.

Here's an example: We had a couple of pump issues on Sunday and it set a customer off. So much so that he felt compelled to come in and tell us that we had lost his business rather than go to another pump. We apologized for the inconvenience and asked him to give us another shot. He declined, to say the least, and stormed out of the store. Fast-forward 30 minutes and Mr. Personality comes back to show us the receipt from the other station he went to...proving that we lost his business. Really? Why would you do that? I'm guessing the only decision this guy gets to make at home is mustard or ketchup on his burger...and both probably aren't allowed!

All-in-all, the weekend was fairly uneventful and drug by at a snails pace, with the exception of a visit from the newly homeless Stoner. You heard it right folks, Stoner is living in the Ford Bronco again after getting the boot from his girl. Evidently, she dumped him and kicked him out of the apartment just because he didn't have a job. When i pressed on this, he admitted that they had also gotten in a big fight because he wanted her to "bang" this guy so he could get some pot and X, but he didn't think that had anything to do with their break-up.

Really Stoner? NOTHING to do with your break-up? How could that girl be so unreasonable. I think we might just change Stoner's name to Statistic. Ugh.

Speaking of pot and X, there have been a rash of customers that were regulars when I first started that have "re-emerged" of late. All are asking for Stoner or Goldie. Which is fine, but they keep bringing up that one or the other asked them if they'd like to buy some -- insert drug here. The list of possible purchases were mind boggling. Now, I know that they are asking this to see if I volunteer to "hook them up," but that's ballsy.

They are also coming in and asking "what's free today?" Nothing ass-clown. That is why people got fired (in part). Nothing is free. Not today. Not ever. Their response...Not even beef jerky? No. What part of NOTHING don't you get brain surgeon. Now take your Swisher Sweet and run along pot head.

Customer of the Weekend
Finally, the customer of the weekend goes to not a person, but an item...the murse. For those of you not familiar with the murse (man-purse), you should make a little trip to the Jo, because it has become a VERY popular item. I spotted no fewer than 20 murses this weekend. From the gymbag as murse, to the legitimate murse complete with phone and sun glass pouch on the front, they were out in full swing this weekend. I guess with the popularity of skinny jeans on men on the rise, there just isn't room in the pockets. And with no pocket availability -- a man only has one avenue to turn to.

The funniest was when a guy came in with his very trendy murse that matched his shirt and one of our more "rural" regulars was in the store. Murse-Man dug out his money, even making a very girl like comment about "never finding a thing in this bag", clearly treating his bag like a true purse. Our regular, unable to control himself, asked Murse-Man, "Son, are you carrying a purse?" Murse-Man turned red, his GIRLFRIEND (cause i knew some of you were wondering) died laughing and told him "I told you they hadn't caught on here yet." To that point...I hope they never do!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Friday Night Crazy

Good Saturday morning! Friday night was bit crazy at the store, you would have thought it was a full moon by the way people were acting. I had a little bit of everything last night, and i was only there five hours.

I am coming to believe with all my heart that payday makes people do things that they never would otherwise. For example we had a woman literally wash her arms at the soda fountain. Evidently she had gotten something on them in her car and instead of using the sink (like the gentleman later in the night we damn near bathed in it) or the bathroom, she just used the water from the soda fountain to "wash up." Rest assured little readers, i broke down that portion of the fountain and cleaned it after she left!

Speaking of bathing in the store, we did have a man who decided to bathe in the sink next to the soda fountain. Now I was by my self last night and crazy busy (we did a busy nights business in five hours) so i wasn't "on my game" if you will. But this man comes in that looks like he may have been an extra in Deliverance or the Ted Kazinski's long lost son. Big, dirty, smelly, stains all over his clothes, pants about five inches short, crazy little look in his eye...you get the image. I greeted him and he went back to the fountain where the sink was. Okay...fine.

A few minutes pass as I'm waiting on customers until one goes "can you stop him ma'am?" I look over and Unibomber has his shirt hanging around his neck and is using a washcloth (and trust me i have no idea where it came from) in our fountain sink to "clean up." So, i stop what I'm doing and go over...mind you there is a full store watching this.

ME: Sir, I have to ask you to stop bathing in the sink. Now.

UNIBOMBER: Isn't the water free?

ME: Yes sir, but the price of the water isn't the issue. People buy food products here and you can't bathe where they do that. Now you need to stop or leave the store. Now.

UNIBOMBER: That's okay, I'm pretty much done anyway. Can I use your restroom?

ME: Yes sir, but you can't bathe in there either.

To that he throws up the peace sign, picks up his backpack and walks back to the bathroom...shirt still around his neck. So I have to take care of the now LINE of customers and then go clean up the fountain AGAIN from bath time. As I'm doing that, I can smell something funny in the air. Now, I know what you're thinking "Clerk-K, if Hillbilly Jim needed a bath so bad that he was washing up at the fountain...that would explain the strange smell." And your right, but it wasn't that kind of smell.

It was the kind of smell that was reminiscent of Goldie and Stoner. About that time, our bathing beauty comes out of the bathroom with wet hair and a freshly scrubbed face, and a fired up joint between his lips!

ME: Sir! You need to leave the store immediately or I'm 'calling the police. You CANNOT smoke in here!

UNIBOMBER: But it's not a cigarette, it's pot. You can't smoke pot here?

ME: Sir, I hate to bust your bubble but you can't smoke pot ANYWHERE. Now get out of the store. (with store phone in hand)

Once again I get the peace sign, he got on his bicycle and rode gleefully into the night.

And all this happened before 6 p.m.!

It was between 6 and 7 that a customer tried to pick a fight with me, I got called a racist (I asked someone to repeat themselves because I couldn't understand them) and had at least two people freak out over my age -- I'm 36 pushing REALLY hard on 37 and evidently don't look it. Ahh Fridays.

Customer of the Night: This customer came in before five and frankly, looked like a Hot Topic threw up on her. Knee high black buckle boots, short plaid goth school girl mini, bright pink highlights with some weird color patterns -- essentially she looked like she was trying SOOO hard to not "conform" that she just ended up looking like a stereotype. Then she turned around and HOLY CRAP. She looked like she was pulling fifty along behind her with wrinkles for years and the coal black base of her hair only made it worse. She bough smokes (of course) so I id'd her. Her response "people always think I'm really young, but I'm over 18!" I laughed, smiled and checked her id and she was born in 1970. She proceeded to tell me while i was looking at her id, and trying not to crack up, that she was confused for a 20 year old ALL the time and she always had underage boys hitting on her.

Listen Elvira, scrub some of that make-up off, lighten your hair and shop in a store for women our age. You look stupid and I'm pretty sure if they are hitting on you it was because they lost a bet, or were sexually traumatized by Munsters re-runs at a young age!

We'll see tonight if Saturday stands up to the high standards of odd that were set by Friday. In the immortal words of my friend David -- Have a quality weekend!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Random updates

So i thought i would take this opportunity to do some random updates from the c-store and ask a request of all my adored readers out there.



First the updates:

ProLoft — Our dear ProLoft has landed on her feet! She came in this past weekend to let me know that she has gotten a job at the Subway that is near our store. I asked her when she was starting, and the answer "I don't know yet. They have to see my ID and I don't have one so I'll need to do that first. I don't understand why they need an ID to let me work." She also said that I could come by any time and she'd give me a free sandwich! Oh ProLoft, maybe you should actually start a job before you decide to steal from it :)



The Spanker — Now, a little quirk of the Spanker that I didn't tell you all about is his need for a plastic bag. Whatever he buys has to go in a bag, regardless of size. Jolly Rancher? Bag. Cigarettes? Bag. Candy Bar? Bag. You get the picture. So El Spanko came in yesterday and i got a bag ready for him and he informed me that he didn't need it, "he's quit doing that." So, I asked him what he meant -- purely because I knew you all would want to know. He said he used to put them over his head when he was, well...you know, but he had since read something in Playboy that said it could be dangerous so he stopped. This is a 40-something year old man. You had to "read something in Playboy" to realize that suffocating yourself with a plastic bag while spanking the monkey was a bad idea. How in the bloody hell did he live this long.



Customer of the Night — I've decided to start a new feature on ye olde blog called the customer of the night. This is someone whom i feel you're life would be a little less happy if you didn't know about. Last night's award goes to Flavor Flavette. This girl -- wow. She looked much like a love child of Flav and Lil' Kim...only bigger. She was probably 5'2" and 300lbs, but honey she wasn't letting that slow her down. She had on her Baby Phats and her bright purple Uggs. A ton of bling, one even had her name in gold, and bright candy apple red clip in extensions (i knew they were clip in because you could see the clips). She also had a giant Elvis purse, and by giant I mean overnight bag big, with wall size clock built right into the side. Not a picture of a clock, and honest to god clock. Flav had them on a chain and she had it in a purse. And girl was FIRED UP that we didn't have jalapeno nacho sunflower seeds. I expect we'll see miss thing on her own VH1 reality show any day now.



Finally a small request from yours truly. I cannot for the life of me figure out how to make any of the web analytics stuff work. Therefore i have no idea who is reading this little jewel or who they have passed it along to.

Soooo, this weekend please add a comment on this posting with the following information:
  • Where you're from
  • how many people you've shared the blog with or how you've shared the blog, and
  • Who shared it with you (if it wasn't me)

If comments aren't your thing, you can email me at cstoredreamin@gmail.com. I work everyday until next Friday so there will be lots of posty goodness to come. Have a great Friday.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Customer Isn't Always Right

One thing I've learned over the last month at the c-store is that the old adage of "the customer is always right" is frequently incorrect. This has been evident to me in the numerous slurs and creative names that people come up with for me -- if I had a dollar for ever time i was called a bitch I wouldn't need to work at the c-store. But last night, I had an encounter that cemented the wrongness of this statement.

Wednesday and Saturday nights are big for us due to the almighty Powerball. The larger the jackpot gets, it was $97MM last night, the bigger the issues. Now, on these busy nights we have to quit selling tickets at 8:59 -- one hour prior to the drawing. Additionally, the system doesn't allow you to sell tickets for 15 minutes to ensure that there is no "sneaking" tickets in.

So, I had a male customer come in last night at 9:10 wanting to buy two Powerball tickets. The conversation went something like this...

CUSTOMER: Give me two dollars worth of Powerball.

ME: I'm sorry sir, but the drawing for tonight has closed and I can't sell Powerball tickets for another five minutes and then they will be for the Saturday drawing.

CUSTOMER: What! That cut-off doesn't happen until 9:59 because the cut-off is at 10:59 Eastern time. Give me my tickets!

(Now, here is where i went astray folks...i argued with the customer.)

ME: No sir, the drawing is held at 10:59 EST and 9:59 CST...the cut off is one hour earlier.

CUSTOMER: Why are you lying to me?!? I want my tickets for tonight's drawing.

ME: Sir, I can sell you a ticket in a few minutes, but it will not be for tonight's drawing. I can only do what the terminal lets me and it won't let me sell tickets for tonight any longer.

(brace yourself for this one...)

CUSTOMER: You bitch! You probably siphoned off a bunch of tickets tonight and don't want to sell me a ticket because it would decrease your odds of winning!

(Now, just a side note. If you think you're 2 DOLLARS of Powerball tickets are going to "throw off the odds" of someone else winning then you are not smart enough to play the lottery jack-ass.)

ME: Sir, we are not allowed to play the lottery at this store. I can now sell you your two tickets for Saturday's lottery if you'd like them. (because this drug out for five minutes)

CUSTOMER: Of course I want my lottery tickets you stupid bitch. How dumb are you?

ME: Absolutely sir, here are your tickets...have a great night.

Now, I've encountered some people that when i got in the car I thought "wow, what a dumbass" but never have I thought about saying that to a stranger.

The whole country is upset about Kanye West yanking the microphone from Taylor Swift, and admittedly he is a jackass. But that was NOTHING compared to how people are treating folks on a daily basis. Maybe we should get a bit more pissed off about someone screaming at and calling someone waiting on them names and less about some rapper who has a haircut that looks like a freaking corn maze.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

A County Without Mirrors

As most of you know, JoCo does okay for itself in the money category...which is part of what makes the observations in my little store even more interesting. We have several large companies, we are in the top wealthiest counties in the country and if you go solely off of beige Lexus sales...we're the shizz.

But with all of that money, you can't buy common sense...or mirrors from what i can tell.

People leave their houses and come to our store in the most god-awful outfits that I'm shocked. I mean, they wear things (or don't wear things) that I wouldn't even mow the yard in, and they wear them out in public. For example...
  • White pants and colored underwear. We had a regular come in yesterday. Now, money is not an issue for this customer. Beige Escalade, Prada glasses, kids in a private school...you get the picture. She comes in wearing white pants and a hot pink shirt. Okay. Then she turns around and i can clearly see that she has on hot pink underwear. Now I understand matching folks, but hot pink under white pants is a bad idea. Ugh.
  • Lack of Underwear. As bad as the hot pink/white pant incident was, it isn't nearly as bad as the white short no underwear problem...on men and women. If I can see your ass crack at the fountain through your pants, then you shouldn't have left the house. Hell, even I can afford underwear and I'm DAMN SURE you're making more than me at this point. Even if you buy one nice beige pair to go under your whites...it's not too much to ask.
  • Bra Free. Now, some of my male readers may say "Clerk K, there isn't a problem with women not wearing bras...let them commune with nature." My response to that is -- you're wrong dumb ass. If all women were built like Playboy centerfolds with breasts by Tupperware, then maybe. But we aren't and therein lies the problem. Plus, it's never the ones who can go bra-less that do go bra-less. I've had a customer who literally laid them on the counter...thank god we have good cleaner. We had one on Sunday night who thought she was MUCH hotter than she was going top commando. She was obviously doing it for attention...she leaned into the ice cream cooler to the gawks of many a teen boy, she spilled water on her shirt, she stretched a lot. I get it, you're proud of your body and a bit of an exhibitionist. But let me remind you, just because there is a term for women of a certain age that go after younger men, doesn't mean that it's cool.
  • Underwear as Outerwear. On the flip side of the coin, we have some women who are so proud of their underwear, that the thought of covering them with clothing is an abomination. We have one girl in particular that is fond of this "fashion statement." She comes in wearing those boy short underwear and her bra with a sheer or net tank over the top and Uggs. Now, my first point of irritation is if it is warm enough to wear only your underwear out, why in the blue hell do you need fur lined knee boots. Second, you're a nice girl. I know you're in college...why on earth do you think that dressing like a common whore is a good idea? Do you have a mother? Anyone who might tell you "that's not a good look." A customer literally asked me when she left the store "Should we call the police and report her for prostitution." When strangers think you are selling sex, you're "personal expression" has gone way to personal!
  • Repeat Offenders. These have to be my favorite of the bunch. These are people that wear the same thing every time they come in. We had a gentleman that came in 2x daily over the Labor Day weekend and had the same thing on each time. Now, I understand if you come home from work, put a pair of shorts and a t-shirt on, wear if for a couple of hours and put it on again the next night. Two hours doesn't make it dirty. I also understand uniforms that you have to wear...you've probably got a couple and you're washing them on a regular basis. But these are folks who come in before five and again later in the evening and they wear the same Hard Rock or concert t-shirt every, single day. Buy another t-shirt. I don't care if that one's your favorite. It's disgusting and you kinda smell.

It is with these observations that i can only deduct that there is a severe mirror shortage in the Jo. I mean, these people couldn't possibly be checking a mirror before they walk out the door and thinking "I look DAMN good." The only logical explanation is that Home Depot and Lowe's must have miss ordered and the mirrors didn't come in.

That is why I'm starting a new charity -- Mirrors for Idiots. If you have a new or gently used mirror and would like to donate it to a less fortunate JoCo family, please let me know. These mirrors could save the social life of thousands of housewives and college students. But please, I beg of you, do not give your only mirror. The only way that you can help, without becoming a statistic yourself, is if you leave a mirror in your own home.

P.S. -- I just did spell check and thought it was hilarious that Blogger has ass crack in their spell check!

Monday, September 14, 2009

C-Store and Financial Responsibility

Happy Monday readers! Things are going about the same in c-store land -- general craziness and backwoods good times! Over the last couple of days, I've noticed some trends with our customers that make our current economic times abundantly clear.

Let me start with credit/debit card usage. Personally, I only use my credit/debit card for larger purchases or things I need to keep track of like gas, groceries, etc. I always keep my receipts and attempt to keep my bank account balanced. I have learned that I am the exception and not the rule!

I do about $1000 a night in credit card sales...and most of them are under $5! Buy a $1 drink...charge it! Buy a candy bar...charge it!! Lottery ticket...charge it!!! Now Clerk K, you might say, what's the big deal? We've all desperately needed that 72oz Mt. Dew and had no cash...that's what a debit/credit card is for. And I would agree with you...as an exception not a rule.

What shocks me is the number of people who don't take their receipts. They just leave them on the counter. So, me being me, I asked..."why don't you take your receipt?" The answer "it's just $2...that's not a big deal."

Correct, but you come in her 2 and 3 times a day. That's at least $6 a day for 30 days...or more than I make in a week. And if you're doing this here...you're doing it EVERYWHERE! The grocery store, a restaurant, Starbucks, etc. I don't know about you folks, but even when I was making GREAT money, I didn't have a $500 play in my budget to just spend all willy-nilly. If this is something common across the country, no wonder we are in this current mess.

Now, let's talk about these free-wheeling adults and how they are teaching their kids about money.

Example one: I had a girl come in on Friday night and show me her new shiny debit card. Now, she drove up to the store and had a class of '09 shirt on, so I'm guessing she was at least 18. The conversation went something like this...
Girl: "Do you have one of those machines that I can use this card to get money?"
Me: "Do you mean an ATM?"
Girl: "Yeah...one of those!"
Me: "No, I'm sorry, we don't."
Girl: "Well can't you just run it through your register and give me some money?"
Me: laughing "I'm sorry hon, but I can't. You have to buy something."
Girl: "So if i buy something, you can give me money back with my card?"
Me: "No. You can buy something with your card here, but I can't give you money back."
Girl: "Ugh. That's bullshit. The bank told me that i could use this to get money and I need money now! Do you think if I took it to the bank behind you that they would give me money?"
Me: "You can probably use their ATM, but you'll have to have your pin."
Girl: "I didn't bring a pen...won't they have one at the bank?"
Me: "I'm sure they will...have a great day."

WTF? Does this girl have parents? Did she actually graduate high school? And I get at least three requests a night asking "can you give me money back when I buy something?" Jesus Tap Dancing Christ people.

I am in no way a money guru, and even less so with my current employment situation, but I've never wondered "how do these new fangled debit cards work?"

I've also learned that if you tell people you can "save them some money" they will blindly do as you tell them. Whether it saves them money or not. We have several specials where if you buy two items you save a buck or two. You're still spending more money than if you bought one, but you are saving on two. I'll tell people..."I can save you money if you buy two." They blindly agree and look confused when it costs more than they thought it would.

DUH! You came in to buy one item. You bought two...ergo a higher price. Dumb-Dumb.

So, take a look at your purchases and see if you're guilty of credit/debit card abuse. Also, if you have children, make sure that they understand how these little tools work and what a check register is...you'll thank me down the road.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Clerk K's Stay In School Program

Evening readers. Sorry for the lapse in posting. Had a day off and an 11 hour shift yesterday and just didn't have the strength in my little fingers to type...I mean with ringing up all those sales I think I have carpal tunnel fingers.

With the observations over the last few weeks, I'd like to introduce to you a new program that I'm starting -- Clerk K's Stay in School Program!

At some point in every kids high school or college career, they entertain the idea of just quitting and getting a job. They hate being broke and are just damn tired of going to class and listening to lectures. Now some of us, barrel through that phase, and some fall prey to the temptation and drop out. Now, those misguided young people will have an alternative -- Clerk K's Stay in School Program.

For the low, low price of $1,500 per student you get the following:
  • A month long job at a c-store just far enough from the urban core for safety, but not so far that there isn't a high level of WTF.
  • Deluxe accommodations in a 2000 Pontiac Grand Prix, complete with portable DVD player. (gas for car not included)
  • A 30-day supply of your choice of Prozac or Zoloft. For an extra $500 you can get a 30-day supply of both for the full ProLoft experience.
  • A complimentary Swisher Sweet in the flavor of your choice and all the soft drinks you can drink.
  • Three, barely used, poly-blend c-store polos that are either slightly too small or two-sizes two big. Shirts come with your own personalized name tag...and by personalized, someone has taped your name onto it.

In addition to these things, your student will learn the following life lessons that will make a good education look like the best idea in the world.

  • Starting Salary: A lot of kids drop out of college because they think they can make the "same money" with their current experience. According to some sources, the average starting salary for a 2009 college grad is a little more than $49,000, working about 48 weeks a year...that comes out to about $25/hour or about $1000. In the world of the c-store, your college experience will get you another $.25/hour. You'll work 52 weeks a year...because they never close. So, you can figure you'll make $7.75/hour, about $310 a week and $16,000 a year.
  • C-Store Worker = Idiot: I don't care how many classes you took, what your GPA was or how many "great" accomplishments you had. Once you don that polo and name tag, you are dumb-dumb girl/boy that gets the cigarettes. You'll clean up people's messes and be nice to them even when they are crappy. You'll even have a few people that tell you about the c-store clerk that went on to run the company...that's the jackass that comes by in his Jag and wants to be "one of you." He's not. You won't run the company. You'll sell meat sticks.
  • Unbeatable Customer Service Skills: Ever wanted to tell people "have a nice day" and make it sounds like "I hope your balls fall off in a vat of boiling oil"? You'll learn this valuable lesson in Clerk-K's Stay in School Program. Learn the fine art of telling a douchebag to go to hell. Grasp the skill of explaining family structures and the workings of an ATM card to co-workers and customers. Finally, learn to fend off unwanted customer advances and how to make friends with your local police force.
  • High School Student Special: Special for high school students who think working and "saving up" the money for college is MUCH better than student loans, this point if for you. You'll learn by your third paycheck what it takes to pay for four years of college (with NO INFLATION.) After taxes, you'll make about $15,000 at ye olde c-store. If you save 10% (5% higher than the national average) you'll put back $1500 a year for school -- leaving you $13,500 to live on. The standard 4-year college track will cost between $35,000 and $50,000. With no inflation, you'll have to work 26.6 years to save the amount you need to pay for school. Enjoy entering the work force in an entry level job at 49 genius!

The final, and most important lesson, will be the realization that lectures, penny beer and selling plasma for four years, beats c-store life for almost 27.

To enroll your child in the Clerk-K Stay in School Program, contact me to find out where to send your check. Pontiac's standing by!

Monday, September 7, 2009

Labor Day Weekend Overview

Happy Labor Day readers. I worked all weekend, so since I gave you a bonus posting on Friday I thought I'd take a little break from the old blog for a couple of days. You needed to spend time with friends, family and a bbq grill instead of reading this rag anyway.


Friday I posted a little ditty about how you'd know if you're a douchebag. Well, Saturday night I encountered the King of the Douchebags. You could tell by his bad breath and short-sleeve polyester dress shirt and tie. Seriously, he looked like the jack-ass boss off of Office Space only about 20 years older.

Now, let me preface this by stating the we id everyone. Even if I've seen your id before, i still need your birthday to enter into our system to actually make a sale. If i don't I could get a $2000 fine. I don't make the kind of money at this little jewel of a c-store to handle a fine like that.

So, Douchebag King comes in Saturday night, bought 4 packs of Kools and a one liter of Mt. Dew. I could tell he was over 18 by a long shot, so I asked him what is birthday is. The exchange went something like this:

King: Why, you going to send me a f*%king birthday card?

ME: No sir, I have to see and id or enter a birthday to make a tobacco or alcohol sale.

King: I come in here every day and buy this exact same thing and you're the only bitch to ask me for my id.

ME: I'm sorry sir, I don't know what other people do, I only know the rules I have to follow...and I need to see an id.

(now here comes the good part)

King:Well here's my birthday you ignorant c*#t. You should know that you just lost a f*&king customer because I won't be treated this way. I paid more in taxes last week than you're dumb ass makes in a year and you want to id me? My tax dollars are probably paying for your ignorant c*#t ass to have food stamps and welfare, and health care for the 5 or 6 half n*#$er kids you have. F*&k you bitch. (exit in a fit of rage)

Now, looking back on this, I'm sure that he has a serious amount of anger built up and I was simply a convenient target. Then, I just stood there in shock. You no-talent ass-clown.

You assume, that because I'm working in a convenience store that I'm stupid. Nice, I have a well-earned degree and have even been invited to speak to students.

You should also know that if you would quit calling women c*#ts, you might get to actually have sex. I bet that would help ease some of that obvious stress that you're dealing with. Oh, and maybe cutting back on the bad Kool habit you have might make you a bit more appealing as well.

Secondly, I'm pretty sure that you're not paying enough in taxes to match what I made last year. And if you are, just a little tip -- trade in that 2003 Honda Accord and upgrade the damn wardrobe. If you make that much money, there is no excuse for your clothing or vehicle choice. Also, if you make that much money and are still that angry, you might want to look at a career change.

Finally, your tax dollars don't pay jack-shit for me. I'm working two jobs and building a business. I'm here so that I can cover my own ass without the help of others. I haven't had health insurance in more than a year, I buy my own groceries and have no children -- I worked to much the first 15 years of my adult life to find a husband to have a family with.

You smoke fueled, caffeine driven fool are the King of the Douchebags and should not be allowed in public. In fact, it's probably a good thing that you are so angry, smelly and poorly dressed, I'd hate for you to mate and litter the world with more little bastards that act like you.

The moral of the story, be kind to folks who ask for your id.

Friday, September 4, 2009

If Jeff Foxworthy worked at a C-Store

Happy Friday night readers! I got off a little early this evening so I thought I'd take this opportunity to reflect on some of our less pleasant customers at the c-store.

I'm sure that most of you are very familiar with Jeff Foxworthy and his "You might be a Redneck" comedy. Well I'm here to tell you that if Jeff had ever worked at a c-store, that comedy would have been very different. While we do have our share of rednecks, we have what I have coined "consumer douchery" or "You might be a douchebag" moments. The following little jewels have come from the last week at the c-store.

You Might Be a Douchebag if...
...you think a 32oz Rockstar and a king size Reese's is a great snack for a 5-year-old. Seriously people. I see parents buying these damn giant energy drinks for their kids DAILY. I even asked one mom why she let her 7-year-old get a Monster and two snickers. Her answer "well, that's what he wants and it's easier than listening to him whine." Great job June Cleaver. Remember that little statement when little Bobby is 16, has diabetes, is obese and you're wondering why. Douchebag.

You Might be a Douchebag if...
...you can't stop your phone conversation long enough to check out. I mean, come on people. There is no reason that you can't either 1. finish your conversation before you come in the store or 2. Say hold the hell on, checkout, then go back to your conversation. I had a woman come in this afternoon on her phone. She went to the restroom (on her phone), shopped around the store (on her phone), stood and drank half her coffee (on her phone) and came to the counter (on her phone). I rang up her purchase and she handed me her card...so I asked debit or credit. She came unglued. How DARE I not pay attention that she was on the phone and interrupt her call. WTF? You just talked to someone in a public restroom while you peed and I'M RUDE? Douchebag.

You Might be a Douchebag if...
...you just found out that not everyone doesn't take checks. I get asked at least five times a day if we take checks and when I say no, I get this disgusted look like we are the only business in the whole city who will not accept a check. One woman today came in and asked if we took checks. I relayed that we didn't and her response was Well, I have MS and I'm out of gas. Well, I'm sorry. She then proceeded to explain that she had NEVER in her life heard of someone NOT taking a check and where she was from EVERYONE took checks. Okay, first point "where she was from" was approximately 15 blocks from our store. For example if she was from 10th street, we're on 25th. Not exactly miles away. Second, then why they hell didn't you get gas where "you're from." I apologized again, to which she asked if I could call her bank and have them vouch for her so she could get gas. No ma'am, we don't take checks. She then flipped me off with both hands, got in her car and peeled out. Douchebag.

You Might be a Douchebag if...
...you treat service professionals like they LIVE to serve you.
Example 1: Lady comes in and puts 10 jolly rancher candies on the counter. Now these are a nickel each. I'm the only clerk there and there are about 8 people in the store...a fairly busy time. She wants me to ring up each as a separate transaction on her credit card so that she can get her monthly transactions in and keep her elevated interest rate. Seriously a pain in the ass, but I'm willing to work with her so I ask if she would mind if I took care of the other customers in line and then I'd be happy to help. Evidently, I said the equivalent of her children were ugly and smelled of Elderberries because she went off. She was the first in line and deserved to be waited on first. So my other customers waited while i rang up her fifty cents of jolly ranchers, one nickel at a time.
Example 2: Guy comes in and goes to the beverage cooler where he bellows at me across the store to come over. Again, I'm the only person working so I excuse myself from a customer that is walking up and go over to help. He wants me to hold his purchases for him as he gets what he needs. Not on the counter hold them, but right there next to him because the Powerade was too cold on his arm. I explained that I needed to check customers out and if he'd like to leave them on the counter, that would be fine. He was very put out and stormed out of the store.
I don't mind helping people, but don't assume that I'm your personal servant. Douchebags.

You Might be a Douchebag if...
...you think because I work at a c-store I'm dumb. I have a college degree and am probably smarter than a lot of you. When I repeat your request back to you, it's not because I'm stupid and can't comprehend it. It's because I have 15 things going on and I'm making sure I heard you right. I've listened to metal music for a long time folks and have gone to a lot of concerts...I don't hear well and background noise is an issue at times. Also, don't pat me on my damn hand when I count your change back to you. That is not a freakin' accomplishment. Douchebags.

and finally...

You Might be a Douchebag if...
...you volunteer to buy beer/cigarettes for someone underage and then get pissed when I don't sell you said beer/cigarettes. I had a guy that wanted to buy a 12-pack of beer tonight and didn't have his ID. He looked like he might be starting to shave soon, and I would bet money he wasn't 21. he begged with me and said that his car had gotten broken into and his ID was stolen. I apologized and told him that I had to see an ID to sell him the beer. He stomped off and a guy that was one back in line stopped him. I watched and listened to him tell the kid that he'd buy the beer for him and take the kid's money. He went back to the cooler, got the beer and came back to the counter. When I took the beer off the counter and told him that I couldn't sell it to him, he threw what could only be called a hissy fit. He did his best Mike Gundy impersonation "I'm a man! I'm 40!" Don't care. Douchebag.

Hope you have a great and safe Labor Day weekend and make sure that you don't commit any random acts of consumer douchery out there.

Ode to ProLoft

With the departure of our dear ProLoft, I thought it would be appropriate to spend this post on some of her finer moments that have yet to be addressed in this blog. ProLoft was truly a fountain of bad taste and, dare I say, white trash humor.

This is to you ProLoft, may your tiny little legs take you to new heights of wrongness.

What's an Uncle
Now, I've already let you know that Manager has a tendency to hire his relatives, his wife's uncle and brother now work at our store. Evidently this simple explanation was too much for ProLoft.

When the brother was hired, we had this lovely discussion. Tell me if it reminds you of "who's on first." Let me first introduce a couple of new characters to you:
  • Dum-Dum is Managers brother in law -- he's 18 and says he got kicked out of college for missing 3 classes. He also says that he'd rather work at a c-store and "save up" to pay for college rather than take out a student loan. Hence the name Dum-Dum. Enjoy that starting salary at age 55 when you finally get out of school.
  • Subway is Managers uncle in law. He got "fed up" with managing a Subway and decided to quit and work at the c-store for Manager. He also owns the house that manager and his wife live in and pays for managers cell phone. Oh yeah, and he smokes pot in the parking lot before and after his shift. One hell of a role model.
ME: So, what do you think about Manager hiring his brother-in-law?
PROLOFT: He did that like a week ago, what about him hiring his nephew?
ME: Nephew? Dum-Dum isn't his nephew, he is Manager's wife's brother.
PROLOFT: Yeah, his nephew.
ME: No, it's his brother-in-law.
PROLOFT: Then what is Subway? I thought he was is brother-in-law.
ME: No, Subway is his wife's uncle...his uncle-in-law.
PROLOFT: What is an uncle again?
ME: (insert look of complete amazement) It is the brother or sister of your parents. Your mom's brother would be your uncle.
PROLOFT: But my mom doesn't have a brother...

This went on for another 10 minutes folks. I had to draw a freakin' picture to explain this. Little stick figures that represented Dum-Dum and Subway that helped illustrate the picture for her. I still don't think she understood.

Who gets to be 21 and doesn't get this?

Killing as Punishment
ProLoft was a big fan of killing as a punishment.

When BM2 lost the baby, ProLoft thought someone should kill her before she got pregnant again.

When Manager was less than polite to ProLoft -- he should be killed.

I asked her one day, why killing. Her response was that it seemed like the right thing to do. She would never do it herself, but if someone was to kill them it wouldn't be a bad thing.

Huh? Really? I'm just saying I'm glad that ProLoft liked me. Hope she doesn't see this blog :)

The Odd Couple
I also found out that Goldie lived with ProLoft for a while. Evidently finding out that he had sold drugs, tried to choke his girlfriend to death and was on probation tugged at ProLoft's little drug-riddled heart strings and she opened her home to this wayward child.

According to ProLoft, things went well for a couple of months until Goldie decided she was a racist. That's right, our little ProLoft is a racist. Supposedly.

Evidently, after about 6 weeks of co-habitation, ProLoft felt comfortable enough with Goldie to start being herself. And, from what I can tell, herself is quite a treat and includes the frequent use of the n-word. Not good. Even worse when your new roomie is a gun toting, drug dealing, gold-tooth having, probation anklet wearing, raised in the hood black man.

So I guess after a week or so of N-this and N-that, Goldie made the HUGE leap that ProLoft is a racist. Which she doesn't understand AT ALL. And I quote:
It's just a word. It's not like I was calling him that. I was calling the wii that, and the stove and the bathroom drawer and my car.

Sooo, you're not racist if you call an inanimate object the n-word...only if you address it directly at a specific person.

And what is ProLoft doing with a wii?

This isn't all of the ProLoft diaries, but it's a damn good chunk. Luckily for all of us, her BF still works with me so I still get a steady dose of that ProLoft magic on a regular basis.

Happy Labor Day weekend folks. I work all weekend so the posting goodness will continue.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Turban Love

Good morning followers! Now that i have followers, I want to make each of you a promise that I won't go crazy cult leader on you. No rolls of quarters. No meeting the comet. No munition stockpiles on the compound. Consider me a kind and generous leader!

Last night I learned that our dear ProLoft has decided to move on to bigger and better things. She's applied at Subway and quit the c-store. Never thought you'd hear of Subway as a "step-up" the career ladder. She also had her court case in the domestic violence charges yesterday and came in dressed in her court finest. She also looked like she could possibly have worked a street corner on her way there.

I don't understand what it is about a certain group of people that dressed up and whore-like are interchangeable. Just a tip people, if your "dress clothes" could be confused with something a stripper would wear...you probably should go back to Wal-Mart for a better outfit.

Anyway, on to the topic of the night. About 7 p.m. I had a lovely couple come in. Probably in their late-50s or early-60s. Middle Eastern descent -- she was covered from head to toe except for her face and he had on the long tunic and the head wrap. They were very pleasant, smiling and saying hi when they came in. I had other customers in the store so i didn't pay a lot of attention until they came to the counter. The last of a group to check out, here is what they were buying.
  • Honey
  • 2 Large Red Bulls
  • 3 boxes XXL Condoms

What?

They were giggling like 5-year-old girls. As I was checking them out, the woman whispered to the man and RAN back to the case and grabbed 3 five hour energy shots. I guess she doesn't want him running out of steam.

Now, I'm all for folks having a good time and the couple was really cute, but looking at them I'm pretty sure that this had to be Viagra/Cialis fueled. The only thing that made me chuckle was the condoms. Now, this couple was married from the looks of the matching rings and WELL passed the "we might get pregnant" phase of their life. Why the condoms?

Better yet, I asked them if they'd like a bag and they said no, they'd just carry their purchases. Guess turban man wanted everyone in the parking lot to know he had a big one and was getting a little tonight. Somewhere in the Jo, it was a hot, hot Wednesday.

On a less funny, but important side note. Remember to smile at people, even if you don't know them, you never know what it will mean to them. We have a regular that comes in nightly for a soda refill. He's always pleasant and a very happy guy. I was slow last night, so chatted with him a bit when he came in and gave him his refill for free. He looked up at me and got these huge tears in his eyes. Then he told me his story:

His wife and 10 month old daughter were killed in a car wreck 15 months ago. Since then he had lost his brother to a heart attack and his sister to cancer. He was completely alone, losing all of his family in a 15 month period.

He smiled at me and said "you don't know how much a smile and a nice deed can mean to you at the end of a long day."

Smile people and do something kind everyday. You could make someones week.