Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Holiday Dumb-Dumbs

Happy Christmas Eve-Eve! My Christmas present to you is a special holiday edition of “You Might Be a Douchebag If”

Affliction Afflicted – Had a guy come into the store with Affliction gear on from head to toe. Affliction hat, shirt, jacket jeans shoes and I think even an Affliction key chain. He was buying cigarettes so I checked his ID. Thinking that someone with such poor fashion sense had to be young. He was 45. Listen. You aren’t a UFC/MMA fighter. You’re not a rock god. And I seriously doubt that you’re a top flight athlete of any “extreme” sport in your early 90’s Honda Accord. You’re a middle-aged JoCo dad. You're Affliction problem just made Jon Gosslin’s Ed Hardy habit look manageable. Douchebag.

Wrinkle Rip – i had a lady come in the other day who was OBVIOUSLY over 40, but it’s the holidays so I thought “what the hell” and asked for her ID. She was flattered, I made her day, yadda, yadda. Then we got into a short discussion of what 40 “looked” like. I made the remark that the closer I get to 40, the younger I think it looks. She comes back with “you’re not anywhere near 40.” I thanked her and told her I was only 3 years away. She leaned across the counter and remarked, with surprise, “but you don’t have a single wrinkle!” and then before I could say anything…followed it up with “probably because your fat…fat people don’t really get wrinkles.” I gave her a hellish look and she smiled and walked out. Have fun with your cancer sticks. Douchebag.

Gas Getter – A few weeks back our computer system went down and we couldn’t process a single sale. I spent about three hours outside telling people that they couldn’t get gas or buy anything inside. A few people were snarly, but mostly understood. Except for one, tiny little Asian lady (TLAL) and her daughter. They pulled up to the pump and I let them know that we couldn’t sell any gas. The exchange went something like this:

ME: Sorry, we’re having computer problems and can’t pump any gas right now. They are working on the problem and I'm sorry for your inconvenience.

TLAL: That’s okay, I just need a couple of dollars to get me to another gas station.

ME: I’m sorry, but we can’t pump any gas.

TLAL: I understand, but I just need a little. I’m going to run out of gas. (writer’s note – the car is idling through this whole exchange and I can see that she has a quarter tank on her gas gauge.)

ME: ma’am, there is another gas station just on the other side of the grocery store. Take a right out of our lot and take a left where that street ends and you’ll see the station when you get to the stoplight.

TLAL: What’s the street name? I’ll get lost if you can’t give me the street name. What kind of station is this that you can’t give directions or sell gas?

ME: Ma’am.  I’m sorry for your inconvenience, but I’m doing all I can.

TLAL: You’re a very bad person and you’re just not selling me gas because I don’t look like you. BAD PERSON!!!

Then she gunned the engine on her car and drove away. Wow. Douchebag.

Misplaced Pisser – I’ve commented before about the folks who can’t find the restroom in our store. I had a guy come in a couple of weeks ago, obviously drunk and headed back to the cooler/office portion of our store on a mission. I yelled at him “Sir?” nothing “SIR!” nothing. Finally, I screamed “HEY!” as loud as I could…which got him to stop. When he looked at me, I asked “can I help you?” His response “not unless you want to help me piss” I shouted back, “no sir and I don’t want you to piss in my office, the bathrooms are back there…under the giant sign that says RESTROOM” and pointed to the right location. His response…you need to mark that better. Without missing a beat my internal monologue slipped out and I smarted back “maybe you need to learn to read” and then quieter “douchebag”. i don’t know if he heard me but he was very polite on the way out.

Holi-anger – So I worked on Thanksgiving, which wasn’t as bad as it might sound. I had a group of four come in and buy three 20-oz cokes. I rang them up, said thanks for coming in and Happy Thanksgiving, then turned to help another customer. As I finish with that person I hear the woman of the group of four clear her throat, so I turn to find them just standing there. “Can I help you?” I asked and she proceeded to ask for her bag. For three cokes. “Sure!” I responded and bent over to get a bag when I heard this:

Usually we have to wait for Black Friday to get this kind of incompetence, guess we’re getting a jump start on it this year. Who doesn’t ask their customers if they want a bag? Guess we know why she works here.

WTF? Seriously. Today, I give thanks that I'm not a raging bitch like you lady. So I smiled and bagged her cokes, dropping them at least four or five times…making sure they were nice and shook up. I then responded with this:

Ma’am, I’m so sorry that I didn’t offer you a bag at first. Most of our customers are able to manage the burden of a 20 oz drink without one, but it was insensitive to not take others handicaps into consideration. I assumed you were a healthy adult. My apologies for the misstep and your obvious struggles.


Merry Christmas to all of you. Be safe and have a blessed holiday. If you happen to run to the store or stop for gas over the next couple of days, on your way to a party or family gathering. Remember the folks that are waiting on you aren’t able to have that same luxury. Say a kind word and have some patience for them. They are giving up their holiday so that you can have that king size candy bar or get that beer that helps you get through two full days of family fun. For those of you who know where my store is, I’ll be there from 2-6 on Christmas Eve and 2-10 on Christmas Day. Come by and say hi if you’re in the neighborhood.


  1. Because I won't likely stop by during either your Christmas eve or Christmas Day shifts, have a great couple days. Enjoy your family, when you do get around to seeing them. Forget about JoCo, it will be there when you return. I've enjoyed the posts over the last few months a great deal and I hope there are many more to come.

  2. I love your blog, and I'm increasingly concerned you're going to get dooced. I worked in cstores years ago, including one in JoCo, and worked the sucky holiday shifts. Looks like you'll have some time off both later Christmas Eve night and Christmas morning; I hope you're able to enjoy some family time. Blessings on you.

  3. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I love your blog and think about my many days of waiting tables. Bless you. I'm sorry people are a**holes, but I loved your responses to the crazies.

  4. Wow--Rude, Obnoxious, Crude, Kansans (are) Stupid. That would be JoCo ROCKS (in the worst way). You have oodles more patience than I do. I would have flown over the counter and choked some dirtbag long before now. Then I'd be sharing smokes with hooker named Flo in jail. Vicki