Thursday, November 5, 2009

I'm Baccckkkk

Sorry for the long absence kids -- seems like real life got in the way for a bit. I wanted to do a quick post this morning to let you know that no terrible fate had befallen me. I didn't slip on a slurpie spill and get a bad case of amnesia. I'm not being held captive by the spanker. Nor did I run off with the Matthew Fox look-alike customer in his bright yellow jeep...although if he asked my response would be "sure! let me get my purse!".

A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks and I promise you'll have daily blogs for the next week or so just so you're caught up. I'm going to give you a Backwoods update today and a customer of honor, just because i feel you deserve a big chuckle due to my long absence.

So, I'm excited to tell you all that Backwoods is back on the market! You heard me right, after the very romantic sexual interlude at Zona Rosa just a mere five days before, Levi Garrett decided that he wasn't ready for a relationship. I know that you're all SHOCKED that this match made in redneck heaven didn't stand the tests of time...or at least the tests of the month...but alas our girl Backwoods is single again.

I worked with Backwoods the day she got that fateful text. Yes, she got dumped via text-versation. I went in last Friday and Backwoods looked like, well, hammered-ass. I couldn't resist so I asked her what was wrong and the damn broke...
Backwoods: He just dumped me!
Me: Last night hon? (she came in at 6 a.m. so i thought it was a safe assumption)
Backwoods: No! About 30 minutes ago...he said that he didn't have the time for a relationship and that I was too high maintenance! I mean I know I'm a girly-girl, but I was the one going to him all the time...he never had to buy me anything or drive anywhere.

Now, let me remind you all that this is the girl who wishes she could were her pajamas everywhere and doesn't always comb her hair before she goes out in public. And she bought the high-maintenance thing!

Me: Well, if he feels this way, it's good you know a couple of weeks into it.
Backwoods: But I LOVED him! I just don't understand why he would do this to me. He was going to my mom's with me at Thanksgiving even. I thought we'd be engaged by Christmas.
Me: (look of shock) Did I miss a lot of dates and things since we last talked?
Backwoods: No, we had that one amazing date and lots of conversations on text and now he wants to split up! What did I do wrong???

Okay, now I could have been cruel and pointed out what she did wrong but I had restraint. I could have pointed out that when you have weird circus sex with a guy in the back of a truck at the mall then only speak with him via text message for the following week...a breakup is a sure bet. I could have told her that one night of monkey sex does not a relationship make. I could have added that while three weeks seems like forever at 18, it's not that long and to pull it together. Instead, I remembered that her mother hadn't really taught her anything and decided to take the high road.

Me: Well, it sounds like you two went to fast and you made yourself way to available for him. Remember, you can't do the wrong thing with the right person and evidently he wasn't the right person. You just have to learn and move on dear.
Backwoods: You're right Clerk-K. Thanks for not yelling at me for screwing it up...that's what my mom is going to do. She's really disappointed in me that I'm not married already and she's going to be so mad.
Me: You'll be fine and tell your mom, it's not her life and you're okay with this.

On one hand, I feel really bad for her. She's young and hasn't had any raising and doesn't know better. On the other hand, I want to smack her about the head and shoulders and tell her to "pull it together." So if you know of any young men who are looking for a nice redneck girl...send them Backwoods way.

Customer of Honor
This happened almost two weeks ago, but I couldn't pass. This customer pulled up in a big crimson Escalade about 9 p.m. and damn near drove into the store. I saw the inside of the vehicle when the lights came on and embroidered in the cream seats was the OU logo. Now, this made me want to hide rather than wait on this lady. So, she comes in and is this petite little thing dressed in head-to toe OU apparel...including her headband! She marches right up to the counter and I'm assuming that she either needs smokes or directions...oh how i was wrong.

She opens her mouth to speak and sounds like a 60 year old trucker who smokes two packs a day and a handle of Jack a week. Add to the voice her request -- a log of Copenhagen snuff. WTF??? Then she proceeded to count how many days she'd be on the road (that number was four) then upped her order to two she wouldn't have to buy again until she got back to Oklahoma. I don't think I actually spoke to this woman other than to tell her the total, because i was in too much shock.

They sure raise some delicate flowers down in Norman.


  1. Ahhh, smell that? Bleach, urine and second hand smoke. Welcome back, C-store Warrior.

  2. Great to have you back Clerk K! I was thinking 'bout sending in a posse.

  3. My day is now complete...the absense had left me empty. Welcome back Clerk K, we've missed you!

  4. Ditto on anonymous and becky

  5. My day is now complete with a dose of your blog. Welcome back!!!