Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thanksgiving Double Meanings

Okay, a regular of mine brought this list in to me last night and it cracked me up, so I thought i'd share with you. I don't know where he got it, but it's funny stuff. Enjoy.

Here is a list of things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving but aren't.
  • Talk about a huge breast!
  • Tying the legs together keeps the insides moist.
  • It's Cool Wip time!
  • If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
  • Whew, that's one terrifc spread!
  • I'm in the modfor a little dark meat.
  • Are you ready for seconds yet?
  • Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
  • Don't play with your meat.
  • Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
  • Do you really think you'll be able to handle all those people at once?
  • You still have a little bit on your chin.
  • Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.
  • I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
  • How long will it take for you to stick it in?
  • You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
  • Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
  • How many are coming?
  • That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
  • How long do I beat it before it's ready?
  • I'm usually prefer breasts, but these legs are fantastic!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Thanksgiving Blog

Forgive me readers for I have been lazy. It has been 14 days since my last post...

Hope you are all preparing for the Thanksgiving gluttony and having short work weeks. I will be manning the counter at the c-store this Thanksgiving and I'm sure it will yield some great fodder (especially if we sold liquor!) A couple of fun things have happened in the last couple of weeks.

She's Bacckkk
In my last post, I told you that our dear Backwoods was leaving and heading back to her home stomping grounds. Seems like her parents have stepped in at the last minute and told her that she was staying here and not moving. Se, we are blessed with her special charm a little longer. But in those two weeks that she was leaving some very interesting things came out.

First, the guys next door at Quickie-Lube convinced one of their own that Backwoods was moving home because she was pregnant with his baby. Now this young man just had a baby with his last girlfriend about two months ago. A baby that he hasn't even told his mother about...but that's another story. He has seriously been sweating this one out and told me about his concerns.

His concern is that its someone else at the Quickie-Lube and not him, because while he did take her up on her "offer" he hasn't been the only one. Evidently there was an occasion (or two) for her to come over and do some servicing of her own in the Lube Pit.

He went on to ramble about open relationships and Quickie-Lube clerks losing their virginity and to be honest, I was thinking of Disney movies and anything that would prevent those mental images from being burned into my brain. So I thought of Lady and the Tramp and Lube-boy rambled on about Backwoods and the Lube Shop (if you're reading along here adult video makers, that is a freebie.)

I talked Lube-boy off the edge and he went back to the store. With that little talk I'm starting to feel like the Dr. Phil of the retail world. Maybe I should change my name to Dr. K and have a style that is somewhere between Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer. It's amazing what people are willing to tell me and have me help them think through. Truly, truly amazing.

Freak of the Week
So, we had a customer in last week that was PRICELESS. This woman was probably in her late 40s or early 50s and looked like she may have been the love child of Kate Gosselin and Elvira. She had this coal black dead possum haircut that was very, very messy in the back and stick straight int he front, al-la Kate. Combine that coif with with a shirt that was entirely too low cut for her age, yellow and black striped nails and jewelry on every finger, ear lobe and nostril. Yes, Elvira Gosslin was a treat. She was perfectly lovely, except she kept calling me darling, just a poor sense of personal style. She even drove one of those PT cruisers that resembles a mini-hearse.

For those of you that are traveling this week, be safe. For those of you that think Thanksgiving travel means that long trek from the couch to the dining room, well you're just lazy :) Enjoy your turkey and have a great week.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Update and thoughts

Just wanted to take a quick moment to give you some updates on c-store land.

About 3 weeks ago, ProLoft and her boy-toy came by the store to tell me some very big news for the two of them. After much consideration, they are moving to Chicago! (bet you thought i was going to say she was "with child"!!!!) Yes, after one 3-day weekend in Chicago, the town is calling to them and they can't resist her pull. Evidently Boy-Toy's mom just bought a mobile-phone skin kiosk in a surburban mall. ProLoft and her luver will be living in his mom's basement and running said kiosk.

Ah...who said the American Dream doesn't come true? I mean, what young kid from a broken home who is hopped up on multiple anti-depressants doesn't dream of living in her boyfriend's mom's basement and running a mall kiosk in the big city. Dreams are a beautiful thing.

And how do I know all of these intimate details, well they told me because I am "like one of their best friends in town." So, boy-toy has already moved and as soon as that pesky domestic violence situation is cleared up on the 14, ProLoft will be off to join him. Good bye ProLoft, enjoy Chicago-land.

Following the theme of departures, Backwoods let me know yesterday that she had turned in her two-week notice and is moving back to her mom's house in the greater Springfield metroplex. Evidently, she can't pay her rent at her dad's house and since he's turned off her power in the basement, and the unforeseen dumping of Backwoods by her boyfriend, she has made this painful decision. She said that she's really going to miss me, but the "big city" just isn't for her. Not enough of her type of men here. She's still going to go to nursing school, it's her passion you know, and she is bound and determined to get the guy from the quicki-lube next door in the back of her truck (if you know what I mean) before she leaves.

I'm sure there will be plenty of good Backwoods fodder prior to her last day, but time is definitely not on our side.

Goldie and BM2
A brief post only, but I got an update on Goldie and BM2 last week. Evidently their love only lasted as long as it took him to move back to the hood. Yep, whoever says that love conquers all hasn't been East of the Paseo...especially if you're a JoCo princess. From what I understand, Goldie and BM1 are "dating" again and things are going good. Always good to have a back-up baby mama when times get rough.

Customer of the night
Tommy Tweaker
So, I had to call the police last night on an OBVIOUSLY impaired tweaker that we had stumble in the store. This guy was a real treat, with one of the worst cases of meth-mouth I had ever seen. He was chewing constantly (with nothing in his mouth) and was generally disoriented. He tried to pull out of the drive and was on the wrong side of the road, then threw it into reverse and pulled into a quickie-lube parking spot and promptly passed out. This was after his meth-driven conversation at the store and his great impersonation of a horse pawing at the ground as he was trying to get into the car.

He was very, very friendly...if you could overlook the fact that he had Little Orphan Annie eyes and scratched constantly. The police had a nice little visit with him and let him go on his merry way (hope you're as shocked as I was). So, if you see a tan Astro Van with Dot plates, cut him a wide berth...he's probably Tommy Tweaker out for a drive.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Kids These Days...

Happy Sunday night (or Monday morning for most you.) Hope you had a great weekend and if you were in the Jo for the last few days you saw sunshine and some great weather. Me? I was holed up at the c-store fortress making sure that all you weekend warriors were hydrated and well fortified with the tobacco goodness.

With this posting I'd like to talk a little bit about teenagers. Let me preface this post with the fact that I love teenagers. They are awesome and truly are what is going to make our country great for a long time to come. I know composers, writers, dancers and some of the brightest young leaders that, quite frankly, inspire awe. But, just like with adults, there are some that make me wonder if survival of the fittest has gone by the wayside. Let me tell you what I mean.

Example 1: Lack of Friend Judgement
I have a couple of regulars that are 18 year-old twins. Good kids with the exception of their over-active tobacco habit. Or so I thought. One of them came in last week and bought a pack of smokes he'd never bought before. This conversation ensued:
ME: You branching out and smoking something new?
HIM: Nope, they are for a friend that we're going to pick up from lock-up...he gets out tonight.
ME: Lock-Up? How long's he been there and why?
HIM: A couple of weeks. He's been in there for armed robbery, but it's not like he did anything...he just drove the car. He even told thet guys that did the hold-up it was a bad idea.
ME: Oh, well as long as he told them it was a bad idea, that makes it good! Have you lost your damn minds? He participated in an armed robbery.
HIM: (laughing) That's what makes him so cool...he's up for anything.

WTF???? Seriously folks. These kids are from a "good home." I've met their parents in the store. Good jobs, very proud of their kids yet, they don't see ANYTHING wrong with their buddy driving the get away car in an armed robbery. Help us.

Example 2: Private vs. Public school kids
So, I know good kids in private schools, but there is a certain sense of entitlement that I see in these kids. The store is close to BVNW and I can tell you that the kids coming in from that school are great kids. Very polite and actually handle their money well for the most part. Their football players are great kids, as are all their athletes. I also work close to another high school...a private school...that I can't say the same about. They are rude, they throw their money around like it was nothing and generally make me cringe when they come in. One of these kids came in on Saturday night that really drove home the point.

He comes in, dressed and acting like he was Edward from the Twilight movies/books come to life. Same almost hair-lip, same f'd up hair and same pale-i-need-a-pie style in his private school sweatshirt. He was with three friends, two guys and a girl, and decided he wanted to "sample" our slushies. Now, I'm not opposed to a taste to see if you like something before you buy it, but a taste isn't 3/4 of a glass. So, Edward fills up the glass and proceeds to wander around the store drinking the slushie...going so far as to beat on the bottom of the cup to get the last bit out before declaring that he didn't like it and wasn't going to get one. Tough shit kiddo, you just filled a glass and drank're paying for it. So he heads for the door with his "posse" in tow and I can't help but interject...

ME: Excuse me? I need you to pay for your slushie.
EDWARD: Oh, you're mistaken ma'am. I didn't get a slushie...I just tasted it and when I didn't like it decided that I wouldn't get one.
ME: No, a taste is one drink. You had 3/4 a glass and walked around with it for five minutes. That is a full drink and you need to pay for it.
EDWARD: Ma'am, you're mistaken (holding up hands) if I had gotten a slushie, I would be carrying it now wouldn't I? I know something like this is hard for you to understand since you work in a c-store at your age. Let me say it for you very slowly...I Didn't Get A Slushie. I'm a good Christian and I don't steal.
ME: Well, let me say this so you can understand it. I watched you drink the slush. It is on our survelience camera. You owe us for the drink. I don't care what your religion is.
EDWARD: So you expect me to pay? (to his friends) This is ridculous...I don't know who this woman thinks she is to make me pay.
ME: Yes, I expect you to pay. It's $1.07.

Then Edward snarls at me, turns to the girl with them and SNAPS HIS FINGERS as he walks out the door. The girl dutifully walks up to the counter and pays for his drink. I told her to make sure he pays her back. Her answer:

"Oh, it's okay. It's worth the $1 just to be able to hang around him. I was shocked when he said I could tag along tonight!"

I really can't add anything to that. Ugh.

Example 3: You left the house in that?
I know that you're teenagers, but really? I learned this year that the Halloween costume of choice for the teen crowd was Slutty "insert character." I saw slutty witches, slutty nurses, slutty cheerleaders, slutty maids and even a slutty ladybug. And when I say slutty folks, I don't just mean a too short skirt. I mean 15-year-old girls in thigh highs and micro-mini skirts where you could see the bottom of their ass. Do they have parents? Do they have mirrors? If you're still in high-school, you shouldn't be wearing thigh-highs.

The girls tonight were super special. These two girls came into the store in identical outfits that can only be described as whores on parade. No bras. No panties. Trust me, the "dresses" that they had on were white and looked like long tank-tops with a ruffle on the bottom. They were also thin enought that you could tell with little effort that they had forgotten the underwear. I had an older guy in the store that I thought was going to have heart failure just looking at them. He left the store and the girls started talking about him and how he had a BMW.

Evidently old is okay if they can get something from it. I know this because the statement I overheard was this:

"I know he's old enought to be my grandpa, but I bet all I'd have to do is bend over and let him see me and I'd get him to buy us beer."

Now, I know that we tried to get "older" guys to buy us beer when we were 18. But by older I mean 25 and we just tried to look cute. I can honestly say that the thought of flashing my vagina for a 6-pack never crossed my mind.

Now, you may be saying to yourself, "Clerk-K, you're just pulling out these stories to get a laugh...most kids aren't like this." And you are right. The majority of kids aren't like this (see opening paragraph) but there are enought that these situations are more like 1 in 10 or 20 customers and not 1 in 10,000. Bottom line, bad judgetment and bad behaviour is rampant among the teen crowd and honestly, based on the behaviour of adults in my store I can't say i'm surprised.

copyright 2009 KJE Communications

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I'm Baccckkkk

Sorry for the long absence kids -- seems like real life got in the way for a bit. I wanted to do a quick post this morning to let you know that no terrible fate had befallen me. I didn't slip on a slurpie spill and get a bad case of amnesia. I'm not being held captive by the spanker. Nor did I run off with the Matthew Fox look-alike customer in his bright yellow jeep...although if he asked my response would be "sure! let me get my purse!".

A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks and I promise you'll have daily blogs for the next week or so just so you're caught up. I'm going to give you a Backwoods update today and a customer of honor, just because i feel you deserve a big chuckle due to my long absence.

So, I'm excited to tell you all that Backwoods is back on the market! You heard me right, after the very romantic sexual interlude at Zona Rosa just a mere five days before, Levi Garrett decided that he wasn't ready for a relationship. I know that you're all SHOCKED that this match made in redneck heaven didn't stand the tests of time...or at least the tests of the month...but alas our girl Backwoods is single again.

I worked with Backwoods the day she got that fateful text. Yes, she got dumped via text-versation. I went in last Friday and Backwoods looked like, well, hammered-ass. I couldn't resist so I asked her what was wrong and the damn broke...
Backwoods: He just dumped me!
Me: Last night hon? (she came in at 6 a.m. so i thought it was a safe assumption)
Backwoods: No! About 30 minutes ago...he said that he didn't have the time for a relationship and that I was too high maintenance! I mean I know I'm a girly-girl, but I was the one going to him all the time...he never had to buy me anything or drive anywhere.

Now, let me remind you all that this is the girl who wishes she could were her pajamas everywhere and doesn't always comb her hair before she goes out in public. And she bought the high-maintenance thing!

Me: Well, if he feels this way, it's good you know a couple of weeks into it.
Backwoods: But I LOVED him! I just don't understand why he would do this to me. He was going to my mom's with me at Thanksgiving even. I thought we'd be engaged by Christmas.
Me: (look of shock) Did I miss a lot of dates and things since we last talked?
Backwoods: No, we had that one amazing date and lots of conversations on text and now he wants to split up! What did I do wrong???

Okay, now I could have been cruel and pointed out what she did wrong but I had restraint. I could have pointed out that when you have weird circus sex with a guy in the back of a truck at the mall then only speak with him via text message for the following week...a breakup is a sure bet. I could have told her that one night of monkey sex does not a relationship make. I could have added that while three weeks seems like forever at 18, it's not that long and to pull it together. Instead, I remembered that her mother hadn't really taught her anything and decided to take the high road.

Me: Well, it sounds like you two went to fast and you made yourself way to available for him. Remember, you can't do the wrong thing with the right person and evidently he wasn't the right person. You just have to learn and move on dear.
Backwoods: You're right Clerk-K. Thanks for not yelling at me for screwing it up...that's what my mom is going to do. She's really disappointed in me that I'm not married already and she's going to be so mad.
Me: You'll be fine and tell your mom, it's not her life and you're okay with this.

On one hand, I feel really bad for her. She's young and hasn't had any raising and doesn't know better. On the other hand, I want to smack her about the head and shoulders and tell her to "pull it together." So if you know of any young men who are looking for a nice redneck girl...send them Backwoods way.

Customer of Honor
This happened almost two weeks ago, but I couldn't pass. This customer pulled up in a big crimson Escalade about 9 p.m. and damn near drove into the store. I saw the inside of the vehicle when the lights came on and embroidered in the cream seats was the OU logo. Now, this made me want to hide rather than wait on this lady. So, she comes in and is this petite little thing dressed in head-to toe OU apparel...including her headband! She marches right up to the counter and I'm assuming that she either needs smokes or directions...oh how i was wrong.

She opens her mouth to speak and sounds like a 60 year old trucker who smokes two packs a day and a handle of Jack a week. Add to the voice her request -- a log of Copenhagen snuff. WTF??? Then she proceeded to count how many days she'd be on the road (that number was four) then upped her order to two she wouldn't have to buy again until she got back to Oklahoma. I don't think I actually spoke to this woman other than to tell her the total, because i was in too much shock.

They sure raise some delicate flowers down in Norman.