Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Meet the new girl

So, with our many c-store departures, we have added a new employee. I haven't shared anything about her with you, because I had yet to work with her. She's a day shift girl, and with my night shift work I only encounter her about 10 minutes a week. But last week. Last week I got two full hours of the new girl. Wow.

We'll just call her Backwoods. No, not like the cigars as my friend Tiger Guy asked, but more as in VERY, VERY COUNTRY.

Let me tell you a bit about Backwoods. She's barely 18 years old and from a small town in rural SW Missouri. She's a bigger girl, but from what i can see (and soon learned) takes very little pride in her appearance and who she is. Her very favoritist thing is life is "going muddin" and she has a deep, deep love for her pajamas.

Now, I haven't had but one conversation with Backwoods before the night I worked with her...but that didn't stop her. Two minutes into my shift I was hearing about how boy-crazy she was. She has worked at the store for 3 weeks and has already hit on all of the guys at the mechanic shop next door -- pledging her undying love to two of them at one point. She tells me of her short-lived, pending eviction from her dad's house because of her love of a black man and now, her true love who she ran in to (literally, ran into) at another convenience store. She is sure he's the one.

Are you crazy? You just told me that in the last three weeks, you've been in love at least four times? You work two jobs and go to school Backwoods. When in the blue-hell do you have time to fall in and out of love that much?

She then proceeded to tell me that she wanted to be married with babies by the time she was 21 and done having kids by 25...cause if you waited longer, you were just saddling your kids with an AARP grandma/mom rather than a real mom.

Thanks dipshit. I'm 36 and single with no kids. I tell her this and her response -- "I can imagine at your age it has to be really depressing. I mean who is going to marry you at that age? You might try Match.com...it worked for my grandma and she's old too."

At this point I'm trying to keep from cutting a bitch. Really, "my age"? You just compared me to your Grandma you stupid little girl. Then I stopped and thought that at my age, she'll have at least one divorce and several kool-aid stained, dirty diaper wearing mongrels chasing her around and I just busted up laughing.

Now, let me say that I love children and that the above description is no reflection of my feelings for kids or parenting. It is merely a prediction of her parenting skills based upon my knowledge of Backwoods. To shed a little more lite on this belle of the c-store here are some facts.

  • Backwoods doesn't like to brush her hair during the week...it just takes too much time. She'll do it on the weekend.
  • Backwoods is generally put out that she can't wear her pajamas to work and just pull her c-store shirt over the top...she'd be much more comfortable.
  • While in the top three of her graduating class, Backwoods isn't the brightest bulb. She was writing a paper for nursing school and wanted to write it on a stroke, but couldn't find enough information to fill three whole pages.

Backwoods is a rare treat that I'm glad I have the opportunity to share with you. I hope that the balance of the hires in c-store land are as ripe for the pickings. I will tell you that manager has been looking at a young lad with the words "registered offender" on his drivers license. If he is our newest hire then my c-store days are done.

Happy Tuesday folks. See you soon.

1 comment:

  1. I am a reader from Canada. I always wondered what the heck a Swisher Sweet was. I thought it was a kind of candy for those who had the munchies. I travelled to Montana this week and saw them on the shelf. Who knew? They're some kind of wonky tobacco product. Are they a sweet tasting cigar? Like a Tiparillo? I'm not even sure what that is but I do hear people talk about them. What the heck is a Swisher Sweet? Or is it a Sweet Swisher? Do they have to be 21 to buy those -- same as alcohol? Why do people who do drugs like them? I'm lost.