Wednesday, October 21, 2009

C-Store Lovin'

Happy Wednesday readers! Today is payday and that always puts me in a better mood.

I had the pleasure of working a couple of hours with Backwoods last night. And while it is relatively painful from a work standpoint, the fodder that she provides for this little venture is well worth the headache. Although if that girl tells me that I'm "like her mom" one more time I might just strangle her. I would hope to hell that any child of mine has more common sense and personal hygiene that that girl.

Anyway, last night I got to hear about her big date with her new boyfriend who we'll call Levi Garrett. Evidently Backwoods' little brother and sister have H1N1, or the Swine Flu as she likes to call it...I tried to correct her but to no avail. She literally asked me if H1N1 was like the Swine Flu, Ugh.

So, because her brother and sister were sick, she couldn't go home...evidently there is a quarantine...and since she wasn't grounded any more she went on a day long date with Levi Garrett. They even went out of town for this date, all the way to Zona Rosa. So I bit and asked how the date went. She went on and on about how great it was and how much cheaper gas is on the Mo side of the line. It was actually kind of sweet.

During the conversation, one of the guys from Valvoline that she used to have a crush on came into the store and was listening to her date recap. This is when it started getting interesting. Valvoline boy asked if she'd had sex with him yet, in their torrid two week relationship, and she confirmed that she just did on their Monday date. Then I opened the door...

ME: "So, does he live up by Zona Rosa or did you guys get a hotel room?"
Backwoods: "No, he lives way NOrth of town and we couldn't afford a hotel so we just used my truck."
ME: "Excuse me?"
Backwoods: "We used my truck, it was so camping out."
Valvoline Boy: "So you had sex in your truck? Where were you at?"
Backwoods: "Yes, it was a better option than his cougar and I already told you where we were, we went to Zona Rosa."
ME: "So you had sex, in your truck, at Zona Rosa???"
Backwoods: "Yes. We were parked in the parking garage and just crawled in back. It was so special."

Now, let me interject a little commentary here. Having a guy you have known for two weeks bang you like a screen door in the back of a '89 Bronco, in the parking garage at a mall isn't "special" nor it is "romantic" or "magical." It's whore-like. You were just treated like a two-dollar whore, regardless of the fact that he walked around the mall with you for an hour. In fact, two-dollar whores at least get two dollars. You were quick to admit that you were a cheap date. That you didn't spend any money all day...not even on food. Why in the hell would you tell people this. Did your mother not teach you ANYTHING. You poor, stupid child. Now, back to the conversation.

Valvoline Boy: "Wow. Glad you had such a magical date Backwoods." Now, this man looked like he might just throw up in his mouth as he congratulated her on her date. Poor kid probably had to bleach his brain.
Backwoods: "Thanks! I know this is love and we'll be together forever!"

Now, part of me is really inspired by her belief in love and the optimism of being that young and having that goofy feeling. But there is optimism and there is lack of decision making skills. This girl should be held captive for her own good. Plus, I'm pretty sure by the look of her hair and the dirt on her neck that she hadn't bathed since her big date...which really grossed me out considering her Bronco Lovin' story.

So the moral to this story is one that is timeless and has been immortalized for years. I believe I first saw it when I worked at the truck stop in high school:

If the truck is a rockin', Don't come a knockin'.


  1. wow. just wow. and to think i wondered if any stories could possibly top those of Goldie and the other employee whose name is escaping me. i wonder how long before Backwoods becomes a nostalgic memory, too...

  2. I agree with Amy. Wow. Period.

  3. Unrelated, but I thought you might like this link just the same, Clerk K.

  4. I don't think you can really fault for her saying Swine flu instead of H1N1 when most of the country does as well, including several media outlets. But man, she really is quite naive.

  5. I'm totally missing you, Clerk K. Please post.

  6. Time to put aside whatever real work some real employer has offered you. We need a post.

  7. Here Here. Besides needing a post, we start to worry -- did something horrible befall Clerk K? Did the spanker get you? Or maybe manager actually hired the 'dangerous offender' and you left your post? Or maybe your real life is taking over . . . and we'll never hear from Clerk K again :(