Friday, September 4, 2009

Ode to ProLoft

With the departure of our dear ProLoft, I thought it would be appropriate to spend this post on some of her finer moments that have yet to be addressed in this blog. ProLoft was truly a fountain of bad taste and, dare I say, white trash humor.

This is to you ProLoft, may your tiny little legs take you to new heights of wrongness.

What's an Uncle
Now, I've already let you know that Manager has a tendency to hire his relatives, his wife's uncle and brother now work at our store. Evidently this simple explanation was too much for ProLoft.

When the brother was hired, we had this lovely discussion. Tell me if it reminds you of "who's on first." Let me first introduce a couple of new characters to you:
  • Dum-Dum is Managers brother in law -- he's 18 and says he got kicked out of college for missing 3 classes. He also says that he'd rather work at a c-store and "save up" to pay for college rather than take out a student loan. Hence the name Dum-Dum. Enjoy that starting salary at age 55 when you finally get out of school.
  • Subway is Managers uncle in law. He got "fed up" with managing a Subway and decided to quit and work at the c-store for Manager. He also owns the house that manager and his wife live in and pays for managers cell phone. Oh yeah, and he smokes pot in the parking lot before and after his shift. One hell of a role model.
ME: So, what do you think about Manager hiring his brother-in-law?
PROLOFT: He did that like a week ago, what about him hiring his nephew?
ME: Nephew? Dum-Dum isn't his nephew, he is Manager's wife's brother.
PROLOFT: Yeah, his nephew.
ME: No, it's his brother-in-law.
PROLOFT: Then what is Subway? I thought he was is brother-in-law.
ME: No, Subway is his wife's uncle...his uncle-in-law.
PROLOFT: What is an uncle again?
ME: (insert look of complete amazement) It is the brother or sister of your parents. Your mom's brother would be your uncle.
PROLOFT: But my mom doesn't have a brother...

This went on for another 10 minutes folks. I had to draw a freakin' picture to explain this. Little stick figures that represented Dum-Dum and Subway that helped illustrate the picture for her. I still don't think she understood.

Who gets to be 21 and doesn't get this?

Killing as Punishment
ProLoft was a big fan of killing as a punishment.

When BM2 lost the baby, ProLoft thought someone should kill her before she got pregnant again.

When Manager was less than polite to ProLoft -- he should be killed.

I asked her one day, why killing. Her response was that it seemed like the right thing to do. She would never do it herself, but if someone was to kill them it wouldn't be a bad thing.

Huh? Really? I'm just saying I'm glad that ProLoft liked me. Hope she doesn't see this blog :)

The Odd Couple
I also found out that Goldie lived with ProLoft for a while. Evidently finding out that he had sold drugs, tried to choke his girlfriend to death and was on probation tugged at ProLoft's little drug-riddled heart strings and she opened her home to this wayward child.

According to ProLoft, things went well for a couple of months until Goldie decided she was a racist. That's right, our little ProLoft is a racist. Supposedly.

Evidently, after about 6 weeks of co-habitation, ProLoft felt comfortable enough with Goldie to start being herself. And, from what I can tell, herself is quite a treat and includes the frequent use of the n-word. Not good. Even worse when your new roomie is a gun toting, drug dealing, gold-tooth having, probation anklet wearing, raised in the hood black man.

So I guess after a week or so of N-this and N-that, Goldie made the HUGE leap that ProLoft is a racist. Which she doesn't understand AT ALL. And I quote:
It's just a word. It's not like I was calling him that. I was calling the wii that, and the stove and the bathroom drawer and my car.

Sooo, you're not racist if you call an inanimate object the n-word...only if you address it directly at a specific person.

And what is ProLoft doing with a wii?

This isn't all of the ProLoft diaries, but it's a damn good chunk. Luckily for all of us, her BF still works with me so I still get a steady dose of that ProLoft magic on a regular basis.

Happy Labor Day weekend folks. I work all weekend so the posting goodness will continue.

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