Friday, September 25, 2009

It's Time Again...

...for another edition of You Might be a Douchebag! Yes folks, after this week, I've got some new fodder for you as we head into the weekend. And with that, here we go...

You might be a Douchebag if...
...you have to bend over to put your hands in your pockets. Evidently these kids don't have mom's to tell them that the waistband of your pants goes around your actual waist and not under your ass. We don't want to see your underwear and when you heard that girls like a guy with a good ass...they meant how it looks in jeans not hanging out over the top of them. When you wear shorts, that are a normal length, and you are only showing two inches of ankle pull them the hell up. Douchebag.

You might be a Douchebag if...
...you try to buy smokes every other night from the same person, without an id, and still get pissed that you can't get them. Really? I've seen you every-other day for the last two weeks. Every time you want a pack of Marlboro Lights, and every time i ask for the ID that you "forgot." Then you get pissed, call me a bitch and storm out. One, you look like you might have started shaving this month...pretty sure you're not old enough. Two, do you think you're going to wear me down? That all of a sudden I'll think "an ID isn't that important!" Douchebag.

You might be a Douchebag if...
...you sport the weird Kate Goslin/reverse Mullet. It makes you look like a rabid possum. There isn't a reason to have hair down past your chin in front and a half-inch long in back that sticks right straight out. It's ugly and makes you look like you cut your damn hair with a Flow-be. And why would you want to look like that train wreck anyway? Of all the media whores you have to pick that one? I bet you buy your husband nothing but Don Ed Hardy shirts too. Douchebag.

You might be a Douchebag if...
...you think peeing on something is an appropriate show of anger. You read right folks, my truck got peed on last night because I wouldn't sell cigarettes. Some guy came in with that Spencer Pratt flesh colored beard and wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes. His ID said he was born in 83 (right) and it expired in 2008...therefore, no sale. He was very polite and walked out to his truck, parked right in front of the store, where i watched him tell his buddy and give him $10. The buddy walks in the store with the money in his hand and asks for the exact same brand. No sale. He then told me I "didn't have to be gay about it" to which i asked him if he knew what the word meant.

Now, I'm going to get on a soapbox here, but as far as I know gay means happy or is a term for same-sex relationships. It doesn't mean bitchy, or mean, or hard to deal with. Ignorant and douchy...nice.

I reinforced that I couldn't sell him the cigarette, he called me a bitch, flipped me off and stormed out. Fine. I watched them pull off and go park next to my truck. I'm waiting on other customers and half watching them when they pull out and i see a big wet spot on the ground next to my rear tire, and the tire is wet. They stop in front of the door, honk and flip me off. Seriously? You peed on my tire? Way to show me that you're old enough to smoke. Douchebag.

You might be a Douchebag if...
...you drive a Jaguar and try to pass yourself off as "one of us." We had some pump issues a couple of weekends ago and we had a customer pull pull up in a new Jag. He was asking all kinds of questions and finally told us he worked for our company and that he was "just one of you." No. You're not. You are tan, relaxed and driving a Jag. You have on man-diamonds and bought gas with one of the hundred dollar bills in your wallet. I am working for $8/hour and have blisters on my feet the size of Texas. I am wearing a polyester polo shirt, smell like cleaner and cappuccino and haven't gotten my gas tank to full in four months because I can't afford it. You're not one of us. Douchebag.

and finally...

You might be a Douchebag if...
...you assume that you're issues are more important than my job. Whether it's your need for smokes or gas splashing on your car, it's not more important than someones job and you should realize that. Don't yell at me, don't tell me you'll sue us and don't tell me you'll have my job. If you want it, all you have to do is ask politely and I'll give it to you. I can't control the cigarette order. I can't control the person before you at the gas pump getting all of their gas out of the hose. I can't give you anything without checking with my manager first. I'm not doing it to make your life difficult. Quit being a jackass and think before you scream. Just because I work at a job that you see as inferior to the rest of the world does not give you the right to make me your whipping girl. Douchebag.

Have a great weekend folks and I'll be back posting soon. I have two whole days off (to work on my other business, but at least I can sit down!). Be extra nice to a service professional this weekend...trust me it will make their day!

1 comment:

  1. I really loved this post. It's a great reminder to us all that it really doesn't matter who you are, what you do, how much money you make. We all are human, have the same rights, and all deserve some respect. And Oh yeah, don't act like a douchebag!

    ReplyDelete