Friday, September 4, 2009

If Jeff Foxworthy worked at a C-Store

Happy Friday night readers! I got off a little early this evening so I thought I'd take this opportunity to reflect on some of our less pleasant customers at the c-store.

I'm sure that most of you are very familiar with Jeff Foxworthy and his "You might be a Redneck" comedy. Well I'm here to tell you that if Jeff had ever worked at a c-store, that comedy would have been very different. While we do have our share of rednecks, we have what I have coined "consumer douchery" or "You might be a douchebag" moments. The following little jewels have come from the last week at the c-store.

You Might Be a Douchebag if... think a 32oz Rockstar and a king size Reese's is a great snack for a 5-year-old. Seriously people. I see parents buying these damn giant energy drinks for their kids DAILY. I even asked one mom why she let her 7-year-old get a Monster and two snickers. Her answer "well, that's what he wants and it's easier than listening to him whine." Great job June Cleaver. Remember that little statement when little Bobby is 16, has diabetes, is obese and you're wondering why. Douchebag.

You Might be a Douchebag if... can't stop your phone conversation long enough to check out. I mean, come on people. There is no reason that you can't either 1. finish your conversation before you come in the store or 2. Say hold the hell on, checkout, then go back to your conversation. I had a woman come in this afternoon on her phone. She went to the restroom (on her phone), shopped around the store (on her phone), stood and drank half her coffee (on her phone) and came to the counter (on her phone). I rang up her purchase and she handed me her I asked debit or credit. She came unglued. How DARE I not pay attention that she was on the phone and interrupt her call. WTF? You just talked to someone in a public restroom while you peed and I'M RUDE? Douchebag.

You Might be a Douchebag if... just found out that not everyone doesn't take checks. I get asked at least five times a day if we take checks and when I say no, I get this disgusted look like we are the only business in the whole city who will not accept a check. One woman today came in and asked if we took checks. I relayed that we didn't and her response was Well, I have MS and I'm out of gas. Well, I'm sorry. She then proceeded to explain that she had NEVER in her life heard of someone NOT taking a check and where she was from EVERYONE took checks. Okay, first point "where she was from" was approximately 15 blocks from our store. For example if she was from 10th street, we're on 25th. Not exactly miles away. Second, then why they hell didn't you get gas where "you're from." I apologized again, to which she asked if I could call her bank and have them vouch for her so she could get gas. No ma'am, we don't take checks. She then flipped me off with both hands, got in her car and peeled out. Douchebag.

You Might be a Douchebag if... treat service professionals like they LIVE to serve you.
Example 1: Lady comes in and puts 10 jolly rancher candies on the counter. Now these are a nickel each. I'm the only clerk there and there are about 8 people in the store...a fairly busy time. She wants me to ring up each as a separate transaction on her credit card so that she can get her monthly transactions in and keep her elevated interest rate. Seriously a pain in the ass, but I'm willing to work with her so I ask if she would mind if I took care of the other customers in line and then I'd be happy to help. Evidently, I said the equivalent of her children were ugly and smelled of Elderberries because she went off. She was the first in line and deserved to be waited on first. So my other customers waited while i rang up her fifty cents of jolly ranchers, one nickel at a time.
Example 2: Guy comes in and goes to the beverage cooler where he bellows at me across the store to come over. Again, I'm the only person working so I excuse myself from a customer that is walking up and go over to help. He wants me to hold his purchases for him as he gets what he needs. Not on the counter hold them, but right there next to him because the Powerade was too cold on his arm. I explained that I needed to check customers out and if he'd like to leave them on the counter, that would be fine. He was very put out and stormed out of the store.
I don't mind helping people, but don't assume that I'm your personal servant. Douchebags.

You Might be a Douchebag if... think because I work at a c-store I'm dumb. I have a college degree and am probably smarter than a lot of you. When I repeat your request back to you, it's not because I'm stupid and can't comprehend it. It's because I have 15 things going on and I'm making sure I heard you right. I've listened to metal music for a long time folks and have gone to a lot of concerts...I don't hear well and background noise is an issue at times. Also, don't pat me on my damn hand when I count your change back to you. That is not a freakin' accomplishment. Douchebags.

and finally...

You Might be a Douchebag if... volunteer to buy beer/cigarettes for someone underage and then get pissed when I don't sell you said beer/cigarettes. I had a guy that wanted to buy a 12-pack of beer tonight and didn't have his ID. He looked like he might be starting to shave soon, and I would bet money he wasn't 21. he begged with me and said that his car had gotten broken into and his ID was stolen. I apologized and told him that I had to see an ID to sell him the beer. He stomped off and a guy that was one back in line stopped him. I watched and listened to him tell the kid that he'd buy the beer for him and take the kid's money. He went back to the cooler, got the beer and came back to the counter. When I took the beer off the counter and told him that I couldn't sell it to him, he threw what could only be called a hissy fit. He did his best Mike Gundy impersonation "I'm a man! I'm 40!" Don't care. Douchebag.

Hope you have a great and safe Labor Day weekend and make sure that you don't commit any random acts of consumer douchery out there.


  1. There you go. You've got the basis for book #2 already now too!

  2. Wow! Great post! You are truly a woman of great patience and perspective!