Wednesday, September 16, 2009

A County Without Mirrors

As most of you know, JoCo does okay for itself in the money category...which is part of what makes the observations in my little store even more interesting. We have several large companies, we are in the top wealthiest counties in the country and if you go solely off of beige Lexus sales...we're the shizz.

But with all of that money, you can't buy common sense...or mirrors from what i can tell.

People leave their houses and come to our store in the most god-awful outfits that I'm shocked. I mean, they wear things (or don't wear things) that I wouldn't even mow the yard in, and they wear them out in public. For example...
  • White pants and colored underwear. We had a regular come in yesterday. Now, money is not an issue for this customer. Beige Escalade, Prada glasses, kids in a private school...you get the picture. She comes in wearing white pants and a hot pink shirt. Okay. Then she turns around and i can clearly see that she has on hot pink underwear. Now I understand matching folks, but hot pink under white pants is a bad idea. Ugh.
  • Lack of Underwear. As bad as the hot pink/white pant incident was, it isn't nearly as bad as the white short no underwear problem...on men and women. If I can see your ass crack at the fountain through your pants, then you shouldn't have left the house. Hell, even I can afford underwear and I'm DAMN SURE you're making more than me at this point. Even if you buy one nice beige pair to go under your whites...it's not too much to ask.
  • Bra Free. Now, some of my male readers may say "Clerk K, there isn't a problem with women not wearing bras...let them commune with nature." My response to that is -- you're wrong dumb ass. If all women were built like Playboy centerfolds with breasts by Tupperware, then maybe. But we aren't and therein lies the problem. Plus, it's never the ones who can go bra-less that do go bra-less. I've had a customer who literally laid them on the counter...thank god we have good cleaner. We had one on Sunday night who thought she was MUCH hotter than she was going top commando. She was obviously doing it for attention...she leaned into the ice cream cooler to the gawks of many a teen boy, she spilled water on her shirt, she stretched a lot. I get it, you're proud of your body and a bit of an exhibitionist. But let me remind you, just because there is a term for women of a certain age that go after younger men, doesn't mean that it's cool.
  • Underwear as Outerwear. On the flip side of the coin, we have some women who are so proud of their underwear, that the thought of covering them with clothing is an abomination. We have one girl in particular that is fond of this "fashion statement." She comes in wearing those boy short underwear and her bra with a sheer or net tank over the top and Uggs. Now, my first point of irritation is if it is warm enough to wear only your underwear out, why in the blue hell do you need fur lined knee boots. Second, you're a nice girl. I know you're in college...why on earth do you think that dressing like a common whore is a good idea? Do you have a mother? Anyone who might tell you "that's not a good look." A customer literally asked me when she left the store "Should we call the police and report her for prostitution." When strangers think you are selling sex, you're "personal expression" has gone way to personal!
  • Repeat Offenders. These have to be my favorite of the bunch. These are people that wear the same thing every time they come in. We had a gentleman that came in 2x daily over the Labor Day weekend and had the same thing on each time. Now, I understand if you come home from work, put a pair of shorts and a t-shirt on, wear if for a couple of hours and put it on again the next night. Two hours doesn't make it dirty. I also understand uniforms that you have to wear...you've probably got a couple and you're washing them on a regular basis. But these are folks who come in before five and again later in the evening and they wear the same Hard Rock or concert t-shirt every, single day. Buy another t-shirt. I don't care if that one's your favorite. It's disgusting and you kinda smell.

It is with these observations that i can only deduct that there is a severe mirror shortage in the Jo. I mean, these people couldn't possibly be checking a mirror before they walk out the door and thinking "I look DAMN good." The only logical explanation is that Home Depot and Lowe's must have miss ordered and the mirrors didn't come in.

That is why I'm starting a new charity -- Mirrors for Idiots. If you have a new or gently used mirror and would like to donate it to a less fortunate JoCo family, please let me know. These mirrors could save the social life of thousands of housewives and college students. But please, I beg of you, do not give your only mirror. The only way that you can help, without becoming a statistic yourself, is if you leave a mirror in your own home.

P.S. -- I just did spell check and thought it was hilarious that Blogger has ass crack in their spell check!

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