Thursday, September 10, 2009

Clerk K's Stay In School Program

Evening readers. Sorry for the lapse in posting. Had a day off and an 11 hour shift yesterday and just didn't have the strength in my little fingers to type...I mean with ringing up all those sales I think I have carpal tunnel fingers.

With the observations over the last few weeks, I'd like to introduce to you a new program that I'm starting -- Clerk K's Stay in School Program!

At some point in every kids high school or college career, they entertain the idea of just quitting and getting a job. They hate being broke and are just damn tired of going to class and listening to lectures. Now some of us, barrel through that phase, and some fall prey to the temptation and drop out. Now, those misguided young people will have an alternative -- Clerk K's Stay in School Program.

For the low, low price of $1,500 per student you get the following:
  • A month long job at a c-store just far enough from the urban core for safety, but not so far that there isn't a high level of WTF.
  • Deluxe accommodations in a 2000 Pontiac Grand Prix, complete with portable DVD player. (gas for car not included)
  • A 30-day supply of your choice of Prozac or Zoloft. For an extra $500 you can get a 30-day supply of both for the full ProLoft experience.
  • A complimentary Swisher Sweet in the flavor of your choice and all the soft drinks you can drink.
  • Three, barely used, poly-blend c-store polos that are either slightly too small or two-sizes two big. Shirts come with your own personalized name tag...and by personalized, someone has taped your name onto it.

In addition to these things, your student will learn the following life lessons that will make a good education look like the best idea in the world.

  • Starting Salary: A lot of kids drop out of college because they think they can make the "same money" with their current experience. According to some sources, the average starting salary for a 2009 college grad is a little more than $49,000, working about 48 weeks a year...that comes out to about $25/hour or about $1000. In the world of the c-store, your college experience will get you another $.25/hour. You'll work 52 weeks a year...because they never close. So, you can figure you'll make $7.75/hour, about $310 a week and $16,000 a year.
  • C-Store Worker = Idiot: I don't care how many classes you took, what your GPA was or how many "great" accomplishments you had. Once you don that polo and name tag, you are dumb-dumb girl/boy that gets the cigarettes. You'll clean up people's messes and be nice to them even when they are crappy. You'll even have a few people that tell you about the c-store clerk that went on to run the company...that's the jackass that comes by in his Jag and wants to be "one of you." He's not. You won't run the company. You'll sell meat sticks.
  • Unbeatable Customer Service Skills: Ever wanted to tell people "have a nice day" and make it sounds like "I hope your balls fall off in a vat of boiling oil"? You'll learn this valuable lesson in Clerk-K's Stay in School Program. Learn the fine art of telling a douchebag to go to hell. Grasp the skill of explaining family structures and the workings of an ATM card to co-workers and customers. Finally, learn to fend off unwanted customer advances and how to make friends with your local police force.
  • High School Student Special: Special for high school students who think working and "saving up" the money for college is MUCH better than student loans, this point if for you. You'll learn by your third paycheck what it takes to pay for four years of college (with NO INFLATION.) After taxes, you'll make about $15,000 at ye olde c-store. If you save 10% (5% higher than the national average) you'll put back $1500 a year for school -- leaving you $13,500 to live on. The standard 4-year college track will cost between $35,000 and $50,000. With no inflation, you'll have to work 26.6 years to save the amount you need to pay for school. Enjoy entering the work force in an entry level job at 49 genius!

The final, and most important lesson, will be the realization that lectures, penny beer and selling plasma for four years, beats c-store life for almost 27.

To enroll your child in the Clerk-K Stay in School Program, contact me to find out where to send your check. Pontiac's standing by!

1 comment:

  1. Heee! Love, love, love it! You are a FAN-tastic writer!