Friday, August 28, 2009

Stoner's House Party

It is with a heavy heart that I report that our dear, sweet Stoner probably won't be with us much longer at the old c-store. After one day of changing his ways, Stoner had a relapse of judgement last night.

Manager (whom has now hired his brother-in-law and uncle-in-law -- who also pays for his cell phone) grabbed me when I first came in to show me this "lapse in judgement."

The first is video of Stoner coming into the store with five of his buddies and heading into the bathroom. All of them. Into one lone men's room. Now to give Stoner credit, he did put a "be back in 5 minutes" sign on the counter...always putting the job first our little guy.

About 45 minutes pass and they all stumble out and file out the front door. Five minutes pass and you see a customer come in, followed by Stoner who goes behind the counter. Innocent enough right? Oh, that's where you're wrong. Stoner started dancing like he was practicing his audition for "So You Think You Can Dance."

Now let me stop this post for a minute to explain why this is even more funny. We have satellite musiak in the store. It doesn't make my ears bleed, but there is nothing in the playlist that makes you want to dance. Stoner is a slight boy. He's about 5'6", weighs maybe 130 or 140 and dresses like he wants to be a gangsta...either that or he's lost close to 100lbs lately.

He starts by just dancing around and waving his hands. Okay, overnight shift and he's bored. Got it. Now, keep in mind that there is a customer in the store. He then starts slam dancing against the counter and doing the "raise the roof" move...customer still in the store. Is he done? NEVER.

At what I can only guess is the peak of the music, Stoner crawls up on the counter and begins dancing on top of the counter. Singing along with the song and then rubbing himself. Think Black Crowes Chris Robinson doing the Madonna Like a Virgin dance.

That's right.

Let that visual sink in.

Better yet imagine the show that the customer was getting. On the video you can see this 50 something JoCo guy just baffled. Then Stoner does a big David Lee Roth finishing jump off the counter, checks out the customer and quietly walks outside.

The funniest part of this is that Manager then turns to look at me and says...brace yourself...Do you think that Stoner does drugs?

Nope. I think it's brain worms.

Are you kidding me? I'm pretty sure that "doing drugs" might be too mild for Stoner.

Then he asks Do you think they were having sex or doing drugs in the bathroom?

Seriously dude. If you are going to be a c-store manager you need to at least acknowledge the fact that people do drugs, if not know some of the signs.

Let's see, which is more likely to make a stoner c-store clerk do a perverse dance number to corporate musiak:

1) 45 minutes of gay group sex in a c-store bathroom, or
2) 45 minutes of drug use in a c-store bathroom.

I'm going to go with #2.

Stoner did come in tonight for a free drink and to say hi -- I'm the same age as his mom who doesn't talk to him now because she has a "new family" so he has become somewhat attached to me -- so I asked him how his night was. His answer -- SLOW.

Oh Stoner, how we'll miss you.


  1. This should be required reading for all high school detention students. There is a message in here for all kids: stay in school, douche bags, stay in school.

  2. Love your blog! I, too, have taken a part-time retail job, so I can sort of relate. Though my stories aren't half as good as yours. Yet.

  3. Sounds to me like just viewing the nightly security video could be a sitcom in itself!