Friday, August 28, 2009

Almost Too Much

Yesterday was filled with a wealth of knowledge. Two weeks in and I can still say that I'm surprised by the going's on of my little slice of the c-store world. I'm going to break some of these little revelations up by category so I don't really miss anything.

One little nugget that I discovered last night was that I'm one of only three people that work at my store who lives in an actual home, with walls, windows and everything. A couple are shacking up with friends and family, and some (including our recent departures) are living in their cars. Stoner, one of our homeless workers, is 20 and has been living in his car for two years. Not to sound like Nancy Regan -- but just say no to drugs. Damn, go a couple of weeks without pot and get a home.

Are you a lesbian?

So, I forgot to tell you all this little tidbit...there are so many things going on that I can't possibly remember everything. I mean, between cleaning the cappuccino machine (seriously people, if you drink that I'm pretty sure that you still have c-store cappuccino in you from some time in 1992) and stocking cigarettes, I'm a VERY busy girl. My first day working with Baby Daddy went something like this:

Baby Daddy: Hi I'm Baby Daddy, you're Clerk-K right?

Me: I am, nice to meet you.

Baby Daddy: Soooo, you a lesbian?

Me: Nope.

Baby Daddy: You sure? Because most of the older ladies here are dykes. It's okay if you are, I just like to know if I'm working with, you know, a gay.

Me: No, I'm sure I'm not a lesbian.

Baby Daddy: Okay then, but you should watch out because most of the older ladies here are lesbians.

What the hell? Let me just state that I was most offended by being considered an "older lady." Screw you Baby Daddy and your 27-year-old homeless self. I'm not even 10 years older than you and I look damn good for my age. I should kick you in your overly productive balls.

Beyond that I have SEVERAL issues with this little exchange. Let's start with "you sure?" What was he expecting? Golly Baby Daddy, thank you so much for asking that question. I've never thought about it before, but come to think of it I am a Lesbian! I need to leave early because I've got to go grab some boobs right now! Ass clown.

The second is the "watch out" statement. Is there a conversion plan? Are there meetings? What exactly am I watching out for? Finally, why in the hell does he want to know that he's working with "one"? Based off of his MANY children, I think that his team has been fairly well defined and if a Lesbian is going to break ranks...i doubt he's target #1.

Return of the Spanker
Now after the Tuesday night spanking incident, I truly did not expect to see the spanker in the store again. I thought that our little exchange might have driven him to the store down the street in embarrassment.

But much to my amazement, at about 9 o'clock last night, in walked the spanker. Joy of joys. He wandered around the store, obviously killing time until some folks left, then sauntered up to the counter. To his credit he apologized about Tuesday...

"Sorry about the other night, I didn't mean to offend you. I guess I should have made it clearer that I would have taken you out first to like a chili's or something."

Well that changes everything. You would have got me some boneless buffalo wings first? Hell, why didn't you say so. Somebody has been watching way to many Klondike bar commercials.

I reinforced that there would be no meal and no spanking. He seemed okay with that, bought his smokes and proceeded to the parking lot to purchase some other things...but that's another posting.

Folks, I'm discovering that the c-store is very much like an onion. Lots, and lots of layers, and some of them make you cry.


  1. Clerk K - You're an awesome humor writer. If your long term carrer plans don't account for that, then well shit.

    I'm DYING to know if you're in Johnson County, Kansas?? I know you are keeping it non-specific for good reason (remember what it means to be 'dooced') but I still wanna know. I was once a c-store clerk in Johnson County, Kansas. There wasn't much pot activity in my part, though. Same chain had stores in downtown KC and THAT is where the scary shit happened.

  2. Yes, please let us know what state Jo is in, because I'm terribly afraid it's mine. Though I suspect life in a c-store is pretty much the same no matter where it is. You're definitely accumulating some awesome content for a novel. No one would ever believe it as documentary.